When does it stop?

I didn't get to journal on Will's one year angelversary. I didn't get to do anything to remember him, except mourn another one of his siblings. I had planned a balloon release, but found out that day that yet another one of my babies was gone. It didn't over shadow the pain of that day one year ago, it doubled it. Not only did I remember that day so vividly, but it felt like de ja vu. I would be going to the hospital again, this time for a D&C. Really, seriously, I never thought it could happen like this. Let alone the timing.
Will, I remembered the day like yesterday, like I was living it again. Everything replayed what felt like to the minute. I miss you so much still. I still have the what ifs, and wonder what you would look like. Please take of the new sibling that has joined you, and I will be with you one day.

The Day my World Stopped Turning

One year ago today I sat in the waiting room. I was excited and impatient. I told my husband I wished they would hurry, I just couldn't wait to see this baby. I couldn't wait to see if it were a boy or a girl. I really felt boy, but I needed the confirmation. I remember thinking it was ok if we didn't get a confirmation on the sex, because a surprise would be fun too.
Little did I know in just minutes my world would stop and forever be shattered. Little did I know that even though I would pick up those pieces, there would always be a piece missing, one that we would never be able to put back in the picture of our life.
The last year has been filled with so many emotions. I couldn't wait to get to the New Year, and a new beginning. Little did I know of the trials that we would be faced with. I have learned to never think "it can't get any worse" because it can and it will.
I have and will continue to mourn the son I will never know. I thought after his estimated due date, the days would get easier. I was wrong. I went through every step of the pregnancy again this April, May, June, July and August. I remembered where I was as the week passed by and how far along I was. I remember so vividly this 4th of July being so happy last 4th of July because we had passed the 12 week mark. All the pain haunted me more than I would have ever imagined. Now here it is~ the one year mark of finding out my babies heart had stopped beating.
I miss you my dearest son, I think of you daily and not a minute goes by that I don't wish you were here with us on earth. I will meet you someday, and pray that you are watching over us from Heaven.

It's been awhile, again . . .

I can't believe I haven't posted since April. Wow, I feel really bad about that. It has been a couple of months of ups and downs. Sadness at yet another loss, more testing that resulted in nothing and just life. I decided to run a 10K, and I DID IT!! I couldn't believe it I started training at the end of April and was able to run the race on July 4th. To most it may not seem like that big of a deal, but I haven't ran or put much into exercise for many years, so I am proud. I guess it gave me something to focus on instead of all my focus of not having Will for the 4th of July. It was still hard when we took our daughter to the carnival and saw people walking around with babies the same age that Will would have been. Sometimes there are some things that still take me by surprise.
I feel a great deal of anxiety rising again as Will's angelversary approaches. More emotions I was not quite as prepared to feel, as what I actually feel.
Will it isn't that I don't think about you, I think about you all the time. I didn't want to pack your ashes the other day, but everything will get packed eventually as we prepare to move. I will have a special place for them in our new home.

Here we go again. . .

A lot has happened since April 1. I have been pretty busy~ it always happens this time of year. Birthdays, spring the list goes on and on. I found out on April 18 that I was pregnant again. The joy was short lived though, as I began spotting on the 24. My hcg #'s were going up, so I had hope. Hope that this baby would be coming home safe in my arms, not joining his brother and two other siblings in Heaven. The weekend went ok, then Monday it all went south. I knew on Monday this baby was not coming home with us, but it was confirmed on Tuesday. Even though I knew it was over on Monday, I was grasping for straws, seeking out stories of other women that have had bleeding in pregnancy and went on to have healthy babies. Even though I knew not to get my hopes up and even though I was scared to death, I wanted something to hold on to. It is all gone now. I am angry, sad, confused and feel helpless all over again.
So here I go again, the sight of pregnant people brings me to tears, I hate overhearing pregnancy talk (except for the ladies I have met at BBC), I feel like no one wants to talk to me or be around me because I have a "disease" and it might rub off on them. I feel so completely out of control of everything again. Dang it, I was just getting past all of this. The hardest part is I really thought the progesterone supplement was the fix for us. Now I am questioning if it really helps, and Will and this last loss were "flukes" or bad luck.
Will~ watch over the baby that just joined you. Dear son I still think of you daily, I still miss you madly.

One More Day. . .

It has been awhile I guess. I don't know if that is good or bad. Good in the sense that I must not be as consumed with grief, but bad because I feel like I am moving on. I know that I am not forgetting Will, I think about him everyday, still wonder what he would look like, how it would be to have 2 children instead of one. I still am sad when people around me talk about pregnancy. Someone I work with just had her "big" ultra sound and that was tough. It brought back all of the memories of that day:
~ Couldn't wait for the appointment to get there
~Showed up early, hoping to get in early
~I remember commenting to Todd, I wish they would call us back aleady, I am so nervous and excited.
~Tech starts scan, says my cervix is nice and long and closed, let's me relieve my overly full bladder
~Hop back on the table, tech doesn't push tape into to record, doesn't do measure ments like I had remembered with my daughter, doesn't say anything until saying, " I am not getting the measurements I need, have to get the Dr. so he can see it in real time"
~I break down and tell Todd something is wrong, the baby hasn't moved the whole time, I turn the ultrasound screen and see the measurements: 15 wks 3 days and 15 wks 1 day, my heart breaks, something is sooooo wrong
~Dr. comes back and says "Hi guys, how are you? Probably have had better days bla bla bla. . . looks at a couple of shots then says, I am sorry there is no heartbeat
~Have a few minutes to gather ourselves, go to the Dr. office and we are given our options
~Make arrangements for DD and Todd's work
~Decide to wait until Monday for induction unless something happens over the weekend

It never changes, everything is so vivid like it was yesterday. It is wierd how things can just smack me in the face sometimes, feels like a ton of bricks falling on my heart all over again.

Better with Time. . . .

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2009/02/will_12.html I havent' figured out how to get the picture on here yet, but Carlie was kind enough to write Will's name in the sand.
Alot has happened since the last post. One of the Baby Center message boards had a post that asked why people chose the names they did for their babies. I didn't put alot of thought into the meaning, but just wanted double constanents (don't know if I spelled that right) to follow a pattern we had unintentionally started. DH has two D's, I have to L's, and DD has two N's. I wanted a name to follow, and Will seemed to fit. I got curious and looked up the meaning of Will. The sight I looked it up on said that Will means protector. Hmm, that made my happy and gave me a peaceful feeling.
I held a baby about 10 days ago. It was a nice feeling and I didn't break down. A couple that I work with has been trying to have a baby unsuccessfully for 3 or 4 years. They were recently able to adopt a baby, so I was over joyed for them, and at the shower I held their baby girl. I hope that I get to hold another baby again someday.
For some reason, this past couple of weeks has been quite peaceful. Not that I have forgot Will, or that I don't miss him, it has just been peaceful. Part of the healing I suppose.

Oridinary Day . . .

I wonder if I will ever quit counting the days, the weeks the months. Someday it will be years. It is amazing how much has happened in the last 6 months. Somedays it feels so long ago, but most days the events flow through my mind like yesterday. I still can't believe my son is gone. I still don't know why my son is gone. I have not accepted that God has a plan. I have not accepted that God does not give us more than we can handle. I can't accept that there is no good reason for Will to be gone. The testing offered us no results, so then I continously look for something I did. Was it the one time in almost a year that I went out for drinks . I didn't know I was pregnant and I have tried to remember dates to think if I had even ovulated by that weekend. There are so many what if's. I am having a hard time moving forward from this stage. I am blessed to have a beautiful daughter, but I am scared that I will never have another baby. I am exhausted, I am tired of putting on my "big girl" face and pretending that nothing is wrong, when I actually want to scream, "Does anyone remember I was pregnant, I was almost 1/2 through the pregnancy when we found out Will was gone." Do people really expect me to just forget him? Do they forget the loved ones they have lost? I don't think very many people realize the fear and anxiety I would have getting pregnant again. It won't be blissful, it will be holding my breath at every appointment until there is a heartbeat. It will be obsessing over movements, and wondering if everything is ok. Getting pregnant isn't going to fix it, it is not going to replace Will. I just don't understand why people think that it will all just go away.
Will, I miss you. I am still saddened when I see babies that would be your age. I know Brenna would have been the best biggest sister to you. You would have been a little over 6 weeks old this week. I hope you are looking down on us from Heaven, and I hope you know I will always love you and will never forget you. Love, your mom.

Thinking back

I go back to my posts once in awhile and look at comments. There is a post that seemed to have a new comment. So I read it. It kind of took me by suprise. There is one post on this blog where I admit my darkest times. I did that for the benefit of myself, seeing and typing those words make me realize what I have been through and in some way to benefit others that read my blog. IN NO WAY AM I ENCOURAGING SUICIDE ON MY BLOG. I hope that people recognize that rather than be ashamed if they have these types of thoughts they should seek help. I also hope that over time, my posts will show that I am not as angry and sad, and people can see that there are very bad times, but things slowly get better. If people want to truly understand what I have been through, I have to admit to my feelings. So I admit to having these quick fleeing thoughts, I have never actually acted on the thoughts. They have sometimes popped in my head, and then they are gone. I hate them, I hate that I have ever had any of the thoughts, but I have and it is part of the process so that is why they are written here. I could never leave my husband and daughter so selfishly as doing something like committing suicide, and they are my beautiful support that reminds me everyday that I have things to celebrate. Will's death was just a very hard experience that I am working through. I have never had a real plan for any of the thoughts. So I hope no one has every worried about me, I am doing what I need to do to get through this horrific time in my life. I would have to look back and see if I have previously posted this anywhere else, but I did go back to the Dr. shortly after losing Will and am on an antidepressant. It was a very hard decision to go on antidepressants, and I feel like I admitted defeat asking for them. Having the quick pop in thoughts was only one of the many reasons that I decided to go on an antidpressant, there were the sleepless nights, the irratability, the hormones going rampant in my body, the overwhelming sadness of my baby dying, not getting answers to why this happend and then thinking I did something to possibly cause this, not being able to focus at work, hmm I think I could go on all day. For those of you that have lost a baby, I am sure that you know what I am talking about. That is great if you got through it with no medication, I could not this time. For those of you that have never lost a baby, or a child you may not understand all of this. It has been quite sometime since I have had any of those fleeing thoughts, probably longer than the day I posted, but again I wanted to be as honest as I can on here, so that includes opening myself up and putting it all on the table. I am typically a very private person, so this journey has been trying at times. I know that I have chosen to put these intimate details out there. I welcome comments to my posts, and I won't always agree with them, but I felt compelled to clarify all of this.

Reminders. . .

I was at an appointment with a person that I support yesterday. She was in for an xray type procedure, and I was in the waiting room. In comes a young mother, her mother and a tiny baby. I was reading the paper and trying not to pay attention to them. Then the grandmother took the baby out of the carrier. Another person in the waiting room asked how old he was. The granmother replied 15 days. I nearly lost it, as Will would have only been a few days older. I caught a glimpse of him all crunched up and could hear his little baby sounds and I almost had to leave the waiting room. I was biting my lip as the tears started welling up in my eyes. I long to smell the baby smell and hear the little coos and I just don't understand why this happens to people. I will never understand why this happens to people. I am so angry and frustrated that I am not holding my baby. I am scared that this will happen again and I just don't think I could handle it. I know life isn't easy, but I wish I knew why this all happened, and happens to so many others. I am angry at a comment someone made at work. We were talking about our work Christmas party. Anothe coworker asked me if I "tied one on." I didn't want to announce that we were TTC again, so I just said "I had one wine cooler and it didn't settle well." She made a sneering sound and said "One wine cooler, jeeze I can have that and I am pregnant." I could have slapped her across the face. WTF?? Why would you even think that was ok, and ok to say to someone who lost a baby? On top of that we work with several people with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and have had inservices that have information that "No amount of alcohol is safe, and FAS may not be seen right away, but the effects can come later in infancy until adult hood." I don't drink after I know I have ovulated, and I drink very minimal when we are TTC. And to top it all off, AF shows up, so another month that I am not pregnant and the one who has a sip "now and then" is.
On the upside I am so excited for a couple of ladies on the Baby Center boards that I chat with. They found out they are pregnant and so far everything looks good for them. I pray for a healthy 8-9 months for them.
Will, I hope you are looking down on us and sending us strength. Mommy needs it right now. I hope that you are happy in Heaven and playing with all of the other babies that you joined and have joined you. I miss you and wish you were here with us. I often think of how big you would have been, if you had your dad's nose like your sister, if you would have had brown eyes like me, or blue eyes like your dad. I love you, love mom.

A Shift. . .

Well alot has happened this past week. I was really stressed out at work, and I caught myself thinking so many times, "I shouldn't be here, I should be at home with a newborn." When I thought the week couldn't get worse, my husband called to let me know he had been laid off from his job, indefinety. The call came about 2 hours before he was support to start his shift. Wow, everytime I think it can't get worse, something hits me out of blue. We will make it through, this and a tiny part of me is, in a weird way, happy that Will is in Heaven looking down on us, instead of starting out in an world that is falling apart.
Don't get me wrong, I still wish he was with us, I still wonder everyday what he would have looked like, what his personality would have been, all of the what if's. Even amongst the economoic turmoil, deep down I would still rather have my baby with me, even if it meant struggling a little more financially for awhile.

The Day

Well today is Will's EDD. It started out like any other day. Then I looked at the calendar. I didn't have to look at the calendar to know it was today, but seeing the 12 on the calendar just stopped me in my tracks. I was suprised that Todd remembered. When we talked on the phone, he asked me how I was doing. Well, I had my poker face on again. I wanted to run away, and not look back, instead I stayed composed and finished my day. Everyone else went about their business, no one remembered until this afternoon. A good friend of mine remembered, and she will never know how much that meant to me.
Will, you would have been here by now, I am thinking of you alot today. I miss you so much.

When does it get better?

I cried again last night. I couldn't stop. The tears just came and flowed and I sobbed, body jerking sobs. Todd just held me and said it is ok. I managed to say, but it is not. Nothing is ever going to be the same.
I am stressed at work, and all I can think about is that I shouldn't even be here, I should be bringing my baby home from the hospital. Yes Will was due January 12, but I would have had a repeat c-section, so it would most likely have been scheduled this week. I have to drive by the hospital on my way home from work. Last night all of the L&D rooms had lights on. It was just a painful reminder that it was not me. I am really rethinking TTC this month, maybe I am not ready yet. Getting pregnant wouldn't fix things, I just desire a baby so much. Not to replace Will, because that is not possible. I just wonder if this will all get better? I know that I will never be the same, but I just thought I would get past this overwhelming grief.

Really, a New Year?

So the New Year wasn't what I thought it would be. Go figure, that is pretty much what the last 5 years has been. If they were what I thought they would be, I would have had a baby in July of 2004. When that baby grew wings, I should have had a baby in May of 2005. That one didn't work out either. If either of those two pregnancies would have worked, I wouldn't have my daughter, and I am thankful for her and couldn't imagine my life without her. I am glad that we have her, but often wonder what the other two babies would have been like. I know I am not communicating what I want to say very well at all, because I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything. It just reminds me of that one movie, I think it was called Sliding Door or something.
Now I sit here typing, wondering what the last 4 months would have been like, and what Will would have been like. Would he have been as laid back as his sister, would have he came early? All the what if's.
I thought I would wake up yesterday feeling "refreshed" and feeling like the New Year was a fresh start, but it wasn't like that at all. Instead, I could only think of what should have been. I should have been 39 weeks pregnant and ready to deliver my son.
Will I wish you stayed with us, I still can't believe you are gone. I will never get over you, and will always wonder about you.