Friday, December 26, 2008


I cried for 2 hours straight Christmas eve night. I slept with Will's Urn. I was amazed to wake up yesterday morning to find that I still had my hand tightly around Will's Urn. I can't beleive how hard this still is after 4 months. I know I will never forget Will, but I just thought the moments of overwhelming grief would be gone. The one's that you start crying and can't stop it, and you cry so hard that your lips even swell. The overwhelming greif that seems to come out of nowhere.
My brother was crabby on Christmas Eve. He was dreading coming to the family gathering, again this year with no wife, not even a fiancee, not even a girlfriend. I feel bad for him, he has had some relationships, and was even going to propose to the last girl, but they all seem to go south. However, when he snapped at me, saying "Yea, I am grumpy, but why should I look forward to seeing everyone with their families and husbands or fiance's, when I don't have one." It took everything I had, and I even had to stop myself, because I started to say, "Suck it up, I would have had a baby in 2-3 weeks." Instead I just said, I am not even going to go there. I know that I can't continue to bring it up, but I just feel like everyone has forgotten the horrific loss of my son. It still affects me, it will continue to affect me the rest of my life. There is a permanent hole in my heart from the piece that went to Heaven with Will.
I thought about you a lot Will, the last couple of days. I didn't write to you sooner, because I was not around a computer. You would have been with us in just a short couple of weeks, but that was not in the cards. I miss you more than ever this week, my sweet son. I will never forget you, and I will always love you. Love, your mom.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Final Countdown

So I am officially going to countdown the rest of this crappy year. I have to admit, the whole year wasn't crappy, just from August 21, 2008. So there are less than two weeks left. Of course the year couldn't have went out quietly, it had to throw us one more punch. I write this cautiously, since yes there are almost two weeks left. The last blow was Todd's grandpa passing away December 11. It was a double edged blow, as his grandpa has not been well for quite sometime. So he is free now, no more suffering. But on the other side, it was the last close relative Todd had on his paternal side. I don't think I stated that quite right so here goes some explanation: Todd's real dad was killed in a trucking accident when Todd was 11. Todd had no aunts or uncles. Todd's mom had already remarried when his dad was killed, so his step dad became very important to him. Todd's step dad passed away in October of 2005. So now Todd has lost two dads. Todd has great aunts and uncles and second and third cousins out there, but his grandfather's family was not that close. Todd is the last one to carry on this branch of the family tree, and our son died before we got to know him. I won't lie, in the back of my mind, I wonder if we will ever have another baby, let alone a boy.
I have had such a hard time again. Not very many people will admit their weakest moments, but I have had them. I have wished to go to bed and never wake up, I had a split second wish that my tire would blow out and the car would wreck and my whole family would go together. I even thought the other day that I could start my car and "forget" to open the garage door quick enough~ it would look like an accident. I am more than embarrassed about these thoughts, because I have never thought like this before. I have never never seen how people could commit suicide, but when you are in so much pain, and you are at the lowest you have ever been, you don't feel like you will ever climb out of the "pit" you have fallen in, the mind works in mysterious ways.
Now on the other side of that: I am grateful for a nurse that recognized I was struggling in the first few days after we lost Will. Even though I didn't take her up on her offer to make an appointment that day or within a couple of days, she left me with an "opening" for help when it got worse. I am grateful that even though my mind has had every thought possible, even some I would have never imagined I could have had, that my determination has kept me strong and not let me fall into the quicksand at the bottom of the "pit". I am grateful that I have a beautiful, smart, witty, and wonderful daughter at home to remind me that I have a reason to get past this and go on. I couldn't imagine not having her, because at 3, she has helped me more than any doctor could have. I also am so blessed to have my best friend and husband, because with out him, I could not have made it thus far through this. So maybe this is the pieces falling back in place, one at a time, ever so slowly. There will always be 3 pieces missing of my heart, the two babies I never got to hold, and Will that I will never get to see grow up. Maybe one day, MAYBE, those pieces will be so small and there will be other pieces that overshadow the missing ones, but they will always be the holes in the picture that makes my heart.
The days are still hard, and I know they will be until I can kiss this year good bye. They will be hard up until January 12, then I will not have any milestones until August 21, when we found out Will had died, and August 26, Will's angelversary.

Monday, December 8, 2008

This week . . .

The days are getting tougher. I knew this would happen, as Will's due date approached. I can't get into the Christmas spirit, but I know I have to for my daughter. I feel like I am back in that u/s room again, when we first found out Will was gone. I feel like I did 3 months ago. I almost cried today at the pictures of a fairly new baby. Of course the proud grandpa couldn't just let it go that I didn't look, he kind of stood there waiting for the whole table to look. I know he just wanted to share his grandchild, but leave me the hell alone already.
There just seems to be gloom all around, as another mom has joined the 2cnd/3rd trimester loss board at BabyCenter. I almost cry seeing pregnant women again. I just thought I was dealing with this better than I am. I am tired today. I am tired of wearing my "poker" face that I put on every morning. It is the face that makes everyone think I am ok, but really I feel like I am dying inside. I am tired of trying to conceal how I really feel, but I don't want anyone to know either. I know how does that work? I am tired of the wind and cold. I am tired of more moms joining this unfair club.
On another note, the bracelet I had made in Will's memory came last week. It is more beautiful than I could have imagined. I still miss him everyday, actually I miss him more than ever today.

Monday, December 1, 2008

One Down, One to go

So Thanksgiving is over. One Holiday down, one to go. It was almost like it wasn't Thanksgiving. We traveled to the eastern side of the state to spend the weekend with Todd's family. His grandmother had to move to a nursing home, so we spent some time helping clean out her apartment. It was weird going through her stuff, but we knew it would be easier for her not to be there. I felt really bad for Todd's grandma, it must have been hard knowing we were going through her life.
I did better than I thought I would. One of Todd's cousins had a baby girl in June. Her family was there, and because they live in Texas, this is the first time we have seen her baby. It made me sad on Thanksgiving day, I couldn't quit thinking that I should have been pregnant and due to have my own baby in just a few short weeks. I held it together, and didn't breakdown until after we left that evening. I feel bad, I didn't pay much attention to their baby or talk about her much, I just was trying to hold it together.
Thanksgiving is always a time for me to reflect what I am thankful for. I am extremely thankful for my daughter, husband, and the rest of my family. I am also thankful we all have good health. But this year I had a hard time convincing myself to be thankful, selfish yes, but it is what it is. I really am thankful this shitty year is almost over.

I thought about you alot this past couple of weeks Will. Your ornament came, it is beautiful. I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of your memory bracelet. I hope you know your daddy and I love you and think about you often.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Another week

Today I ordered an ornament for Will. I also finally decided on a bracelet for his memory. I have been looking at the bracelets/memory items for quite some time, I just couldn't commit to one. After all of this, commitment is sometimes difficult. I am excited for both to arrive.
Missing you and loving you always Will.

Friday, November 14, 2008

20 Things

The following is a list of things that Parents of and Angel would like you to remember, I borrowed this from someone elses site; although not all of them fit me to a "T", many do fit for me.
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Will. The truth is just because you never saw him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about Will and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Will with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3. I wish that you could talk about Will more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Will. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Will has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Will, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Will never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 5 months.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it". As for me, most days I put on the happiest face I can, I smile and pretend nothing is wrong, but I am really dying inside.
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing Will doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you would think of Will as a baby and and not just a miscarriage. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.
13. Will's due date, his birthdate, the day he was deliveredand Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (andWill) on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing Will has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Will. Babies aren't interchangeable.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Will or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad. I am happy for people, but it is hard to see pregnant bellies and newborns.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Will is gone.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gaurantee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

Thursday, November 13, 2008

A new day. . .

I feel better today. I finally figured out how to add a playlist to this blog, a counter box for how long Will has been gone, and I was able to customize the page a bit more. I am happier with it now. Thanks to all the ladies from the Baby Center Support group who helped me with all the technical stuff.
I am not as angry today as I was yesterday. I suppose it will come and go. I don't expect everything to go away, some of it will always stay with me. It is just that some days are so much harder than others. Someone posted on Baby Center that the first 3 months your body is running on shock and adrenaline, then it wears off, so it is normal for things to get worse. Maybe that is why the last couple of weeks have been so hard.
I love you Will and miss you everyday.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

12 weeks and counting. . .and hating. . .

It has been 12 weeks since we delivered Will. The entire 12 weeks have been an emotional roller coaster, but just after I thought I had found some peace in all of this, the roller coaster started again. I have had so many emotions the last couple of weeks. I have had baby on the brain so much lately. I want to be pregnant so badly and bring home a healthy baby, but I worry it is too soon. I don't know if I feel guilty wanting to try to conceive again, or if it is the fear~ what if we decide to try again and this happens again, but something has started the roller coaster again. I do not want to get pregnant again to replace Will, as that could never happen. I just want another baby so badly.
I just feel so overwhelmed and I HATE it. I am angry again. I am questioning why it is that people that want babies can't have them. I did everything I was supposed to; didn't drink alcohol, took prenatals, changed my diet and my child dies.
I hate thinking about the people that drink throughout their pregnancies, even just a beer or a sip of alcohol now and then.
I hate thinking about the people that get to choose to end their babies lives, just becuase it is an inconvienence for them at that time in their life.
I hate thinking of all the people that choose to continue to use drugs while they are pregnant.
I hate overhearing pregnant people complain how uncomfortable they are, I would give anything to have my son back~ I would take all of the aches and pains and trips to the bathroom that wake you during the night.
I then hate that I feel guilty for judging people.
I hate hearing about the local high school students that are pregnant. I am not trying to judge, it just is so hard to deal with all of this some days.
I hate seeing pregnant bellies. It's not that I am not happy for people, it is just insanely hard thinking that should be my belly, all round and big. In the same breath, I hate being the elephant in the room. People hide and whisper about pregnancy and babies. I know this seems irrational, and leaves it to question~ should I talk about pregnancy in front of her or not. Really the only way I can answer that is it really depends on the day. I am happy for our friends that have babies, and that are pregnant. I definetly am not ready to sit down and talk about your pregnancy or baby with you, but I am truelly happy that everything is well for you. I honestly would not wish this on my worst enemy.
I hate feeling like this, but I can't get past how angry I am and how unfair this is for anyone.
I hate that I feel like I am throwing myself a pitty party. I want to go and bawl for awhile, but there is no way I could hide it, and I don't want people to ask. I wish I could go home for the rest of the day, but I am so far behind, and posting and scanning Baby Center isn't helping me get caught up, but it helps emotionally sometimes.
I hate feeling that everyone has forgot Will. I hate that we never sent out some sort of card or note that let people know what happened.
I hate feeling that people expect us to move on and some people don't understand. They are uncomfortable bringing it up, or uncomfortable if I talk about it.
I hate that the Dr. still says fetus when we talk about Will. He was a baby to me, not a fetus. I know he has to use the correct terms, but I still hate it.
I hate that Todd and I got our chromosomal testing results back and everything was normal. So back to square one~ there is essentially nothing we can do to prevent this from happening again. I hate thinking that I did something to cause this. I try and think back what I did between week 15 and 16, but can't remember anything that could have done this.
I hate feeling that my body has betrayed me yet again. I hate feeling that my body is broken. . . why doesn't it recognize when a pregnancy has ended, not that it would have been easier, but some indication that something was wrong would have taken some of the shock factor out of all of this.
There is a slight chance that Will had a chromosomal abnormalty, that could not be proven because his tissue did not grow chromosomes, but we don't know for sure. I didn't want anything to be wrong, but the desire for an answer why this happened overrides rational thought sometimes.
I hate that the Holidays are just around the corner. Ugghh. . . the Holidays. I will have to save that for another post.

Monday, October 13, 2008

The hardest day of my life. . .

I should have done this weeks ago. I was afraid that I couldn't figure it out. I'm not very technical when it comes to computers and internet.

Anyhow, I wanted a place for people to go, so they could read about my husband's (Todd) and my angel son. I know some of our friends and family have questions, and some don't want to ask, so I will put it all here. I think it will help me in the healing process.

Last spring (April 2008) my husband and I decided it was time to add to our family. This time I got pregnant the first month we tried. We were excited but cautious. I had problems with two other pregnancies, they ended in m/c at 6 weeks and 5 weeks, prior to our beautiful daughter.
the end of April arrives with a me very tired. To the point I can hardly make myself get out of bed. We are supposed to go to a friend's wedding, and I plan on having a few drinks. My period isn't due for a couple of days, but the fatigue is all to familiar. I decide to take a home pregnancy test. I figured it would be a big fat negative, but wanted to be sure. I pee on the stick and set it down. I leave the bathroom for a couple of minutes, and come back. I nearly passed out, there are two lines. I am in shock, it took 4-6 months of trying before any of our other pregancies. Of course I am beyond happy. I wait a couple of weeks and set up the first appointment. I purposely schedule it for a little past 7 weeks, as I am pretty sure I will have an u/s, and I want to be past the previous two loss time frames. I am excited about our first appointment. It seems to take forever for the appointment to come. Todd and I go to the first appointment, and I do indeed get an u/s. There is our little one, hanging out and you can see the flash on the screen. I breath a sigh, there is a heartbeat. This is good. We are past the previous loss dates. I feel better.
The next appointment is at 11 weeks. The doctor gets out the doppler. It takes awhile, but we hear a heart beating and all is good. I breath another sigh of relief as we are almost to twelve weeks. After all, twelve weeks is the magic number right?? The next appointment is at 15 weeks. The doctor gets the doppler out again. Again it takes a little bit to find the heartbeat, and we laugh because "if this baby is this active now, just wait until you really feel it move." We are assured that the heartbeat is good and strong. So I really relax. What could go wrong now?
I had felt flutters occasionally and only for a short time but I was not worried because it was still early. We thought we were in the clear. We anxiously awaited the midpoint u/s, which was at 19 weeks. We decided that if the u/s tech was able to determine the sex, we wanted to know if the baby was a boy or a girl.
I was unprepared for what happened once the u/s started. The baby was just lying there, and did not look to be in a very comfortable position. The tech moved the wand, and still the baby just layed there, motionless. The tech measured a thigh. She then measured the head. The u/s tech then said "I think I will go get the Dr., I am having a hard time getting the measurements I need, and I would like him to see this in real time." I just new at that moment that something was wrong. I started to cry, but tried to stay positive. While the tech was trying to take measurements, we couldn't see the screen very well. I turned the screen towards us and pointed to the measurements. I told Todd something is wrong, look the measurements are only around 16 weeks, the baby should be 19 1/2 weeks. I also said that the baby hasn't moved the entire time. We tried to stay positive. The Dr. came in and asked how we were. He said you probably aren't very good right now. He then asked if I had any spotting or cramping. I stated no. He then said they could not detect a heart beat, and it looks as though the baby had died 2-3 weeks before the u/s. I had no signs, no cramping, no spotting, nothing to prepare me for this.
We were left alone in the room for "as long we needed". When we finally gathered ourselves, we were taken back to a room on the Dr.'s side of the building. The doctor came in and gave us our options. I could have D&C done, but he "didn't like to do them when babies are that big". I could go to the hospital and have an induction to deliver the baby, or I could let it happen naturally. Todd was supposed to work the next day, and of course wanted to be there, so we had to go home and make some arrangements. Part of our decision was based on that Dr. was going to be out of town that weekend (he said it typically took about 24 hours. We were also waiting to hear back from Todd's job, to find out if his shift could be covered. We didn't hear back from Todd's job until late that evening, so we decided to wait for Monday. I guess a small part of me was hoping that my body would recognize the baby had died and it would do what it was supposed to.
The weekend was terrible. I didn't want to go anywhere, because I didn't know if my body would realize the baby had died. I didn't know what to expect. I had so much to think about; I had alot to do at work, and was not anticipating being gone. We had to make arrangements for Brenna. My younger sister was in town. My baby had died, and I was walking around with a dead baby in my belly.
Monday morning came. We checked into the hospital and were sent up to Labor and Delivery. We were led back to a room. I stopped just outside and started crying. I was finally able to muster up the strength to go in the room. We went in the room and started the process. The nurse put in a hep-lock and we waited for the Dr. He came in and gave me a dose of Cytotec in suppository form. He came back at 1, and not much had changed. He had me take the Cytotec orally. He came back after 5pm. I had started having "cramps" but not much else had changed. These 36 hours were the worst of my life. For some reason, I thought this would all be easier once the baby was delivered and out of me. I just wanted the medicine to work and all of this to be over. I had another dose orally later that night. As the medicine began to work, the pain worsened and finally at around 9 pm, I asked for pain meds. When the Nusre J. brought in the meds, she asked if someone explained what would happen. No one really had yet. She explained that once everything started it would happen very quickly, and she would probably be the one to "deliver" the baby as the doctor would not have time to get there. She also asked if we wanted pictures of the baby. Did we want to see the baby? WHAT?? I didn't even know any of this was an option. I thought I would want to see the baby. Todd said he did not want to see the baby. I didn't know about pictures. Nurse J. said they could take pictures and put them in an envelope and we could look at them when we were ready. By morning nothing had progressed. I became very sick from the pain meds and started vomitting. I finally quit vomitting at noon. I took another dose of the medication orally. I had to have another dose at around 5 pm. The "cramps" were like labor. They came more frequently and continued to intensify. I asked for pain medication again. This time I had a reaction to the medication. The Dr. ordered demoral instead. I had two doses of demoral, and when the time passed and I could have had another dose, I didn't have time to get another dose. Everything happened so quickly. Finally it was over, our son entered the world sleeping at 8:27 pm Tuesday August 26th. We chose to see him. He had a perfect little nose, 10 fingers, 10 toes. He was very skinny and very red colored, but perfect in every way. The vision of him laying there lifeless is burned into my memory forever. Nurse J. could not tell if the baby was a boy or girl, but when the doctor looked at him, he said it looks like he was a little boy.
I had an overwhelming need to have him blessed, so the nurse called the Pastor on call. When the Pastor arrived, the nurse brought Will back in, and gave him to me to hold. She had wrapped a hand made blue afghan around him. Before the blessing the Pastor asked if we were going to have a service. I stated I wasn't sure because we didn't know we would even be able to have him blessed. The Pastor said he would find out and got a nurse. A nurse that we hadn't seen yet came in. She said that she would take the baby after the blessing was over. So the Pastor started the blessing, I don't remember most of it, I was crying so hard. I just kept wishing this were a bad dream I could wake up from. I do remember all of us, even Nurse J. saying the Lord's Prayer at the end. Then they took Will. The Dr. came back in the room and he visited with us, but again I don't remember much of what he said, except to make an appointment for a few days. We left that night. We did not know we could have the baby cremated or if we could take him to have him burried. We didn't know if we should have a memorial. I guess I hadn't thought that far ahead. I wanted to go home so badly, I didn't ask anything else.
There didn't seem to be any closure, the baby's gestational age was not far enough for him to have a death certificate, but I couldn't just let him go with nothing, no name, no memory. Todd and I decided to name him Will.
The next day was extremely hard. I cried to the point that I didn't think I could cry anymore. I never knew until that day that you can cry so hard and so much. My heart was broken, my abdomen was still slightly big, but EMPTY. It felt like someone had reached into my chest and ripped my heart out. Again, I just wanted it all to be a bad dream that I could wake up from. When I slept, I dreamt the events over and over again.
Nurse J. was with us both nights we were in the hospital, and I could never thank her enough for being so thoughtful, understanding, patient and simply wonderful. I don't think we would have got through everything without her help. She took pictures of Will's hands and feet. She weighed him and measured him and put everything, including the afghan, into a memory box.
That Thursday night (August 28), I had a huge meltdown, I really didn't think it could get worse, but it could. I panicked over where the baby went and what happened to his little body. I couldn't imagine his body being tossed out with the other bio-hazard materials. After my sister did some digging, by Friday afternoon I had located Will's body. The lab also gave me the information for a local funeral home that would cremate the baby, and they didn't charge for babies. Not that I was worried about the cost, I would have paid anything to have him back with us. The lab person I talked to even called the funeral home and made the arrangements. I felt somewhat better when we were able to bring Will home. His ashes are in an acorn shaped urn.
The next couple of weeks were a blurr. I don't remember how I managed to do anything. I went through the motions and I know I cried alot. I would go on walks/runs because the burning from running made me feel better. I managed to take Brenna to daycare, I figured she would get more from being there than staying home with me, watching me cry. This was very hard on her too. She was just understanding that there was a baby in my belly. She apologizes when I cry. I tell her she is not the reason mommy is crying, I am sad that Will went to be with Jesus.
I couldn't see pregnant people or newborn babies. I would have a panick attack and have to leave before I broke down.
I went back to work after two weeks. It was ok the first week, I had a lot to keep me busy. By the second week back to work, I was struggling. I could only focus on the baby being gone. I didn't care about the obligations at work I was not meeting. I was in a funk at home, snapping at Todd and Brennafor the littlest things. I would cry at the drop of a hat. It was worse when Todd was on night shift, I felt alone after Brenna went to bed. I also couldn't sleep, my dreams were always about the u/s when we found out Will was gone, about the hospital and seeing Will laying there lifeless.
We had some of the baby's tissue sent for testing. I was anxiously awaiting the results. After 4 weeks the Dr. called back. They were unable to get any results from the tissue. So we still do not know if something was chromosomally wrong or not. So Todd and I had chromosomal tests done, and spent time with a genetic counselor to rule out unbalanced chromosomes. We are also having a slew of other tests done to rule out other things. It will be a couple more weeks before we get those results back.