Thursday, April 30, 2009

Here we go again. . .

A lot has happened since April 1. I have been pretty busy~ it always happens this time of year. Birthdays, spring the list goes on and on. I found out on April 18 that I was pregnant again. The joy was short lived though, as I began spotting on the 24. My hcg #'s were going up, so I had hope. Hope that this baby would be coming home safe in my arms, not joining his brother and two other siblings in Heaven. The weekend went ok, then Monday it all went south. I knew on Monday this baby was not coming home with us, but it was confirmed on Tuesday. Even though I knew it was over on Monday, I was grasping for straws, seeking out stories of other women that have had bleeding in pregnancy and went on to have healthy babies. Even though I knew not to get my hopes up and even though I was scared to death, I wanted something to hold on to. It is all gone now. I am angry, sad, confused and feel helpless all over again.
So here I go again, the sight of pregnant people brings me to tears, I hate overhearing pregnancy talk (except for the ladies I have met at BBC), I feel like no one wants to talk to me or be around me because I have a "disease" and it might rub off on them. I feel so completely out of control of everything again. Dang it, I was just getting past all of this. The hardest part is I really thought the progesterone supplement was the fix for us. Now I am questioning if it really helps, and Will and this last loss were "flukes" or bad luck.
Will~ watch over the baby that just joined you. Dear son I still think of you daily, I still miss you madly.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

One More Day. . .

It has been awhile I guess. I don't know if that is good or bad. Good in the sense that I must not be as consumed with grief, but bad because I feel like I am moving on. I know that I am not forgetting Will, I think about him everyday, still wonder what he would look like, how it would be to have 2 children instead of one. I still am sad when people around me talk about pregnancy. Someone I work with just had her "big" ultra sound and that was tough. It brought back all of the memories of that day:
~ Couldn't wait for the appointment to get there
~Showed up early, hoping to get in early
~I remember commenting to Todd, I wish they would call us back aleady, I am so nervous and excited.
~Tech starts scan, says my cervix is nice and long and closed, let's me relieve my overly full bladder
~Hop back on the table, tech doesn't push tape into to record, doesn't do measure ments like I had remembered with my daughter, doesn't say anything until saying, " I am not getting the measurements I need, have to get the Dr. so he can see it in real time"
~I break down and tell Todd something is wrong, the baby hasn't moved the whole time, I turn the ultrasound screen and see the measurements: 15 wks 3 days and 15 wks 1 day, my heart breaks, something is sooooo wrong
~Dr. comes back and says "Hi guys, how are you? Probably have had better days bla bla bla. . . looks at a couple of shots then says, I am sorry there is no heartbeat
~Have a few minutes to gather ourselves, go to the Dr. office and we are given our options
~Make arrangements for DD and Todd's work
~Decide to wait until Monday for induction unless something happens over the weekend

It never changes, everything is so vivid like it was yesterday. It is wierd how things can just smack me in the face sometimes, feels like a ton of bricks falling on my heart all over again.