I wonder if I will ever quit counting the days, the weeks the months. Someday it will be years. It is amazing how much has happened in the last 6 months. Somedays it feels so long ago, but most days the events flow through my mind like yesterday. I still can't believe my son is gone. I still don't know why my son is gone. I have not accepted that God has a plan. I have not accepted that God does not give us more than we can handle. I can't accept that there is no good reason for Will to be gone. The testing offered us no results, so then I continously look for something I did. Was it the one time in almost a year that I went out for drinks . I didn't know I was pregnant and I have tried to remember dates to think if I had even ovulated by that weekend. There are so many what if's. I am having a hard time moving forward from this stage. I am blessed to have a beautiful daughter, but I am scared that I will never have another baby. I am exhausted, I am tired of putting on my "big girl" face and pretending that nothing is wrong, when I actually want to scream, "Does anyone remember I was pregnant, I was almost 1/2 through the pregnancy when we found out Will was gone." Do people really expect me to just forget him? Do they forget the loved ones they have lost? I don't think very many people realize the fear and anxiety I would have getting pregnant again. It won't be blissful, it will be holding my breath at every appointment until there is a heartbeat. It will be obsessing over movements, and wondering if everything is ok. Getting pregnant isn't going to fix it, it is not going to replace Will. I just don't understand why people think that it will all just go away.
Will, I miss you. I am still saddened when I see babies that would be your age. I know Brenna would have been the best biggest sister to you. You would have been a little over 6 weeks old this week. I hope you are looking down on us from Heaven, and I hope you know I will always love you and will never forget you. Love, your mom.