I wonder if I will ever quit counting the days, the weeks the months. Someday it will be years. It is amazing how much has happened in the last 6 months. Somedays it feels so long ago, but most days the events flow through my mind like yesterday. I still can't believe my son is gone. I still don't know why my son is gone. I have not accepted that God has a plan. I have not accepted that God does not give us more than we can handle. I can't accept that there is no good reason for Will to be gone. The testing offered us no results, so then I continously look for something I did. Was it the one time in almost a year that I went out for drinks . I didn't know I was pregnant and I have tried to remember dates to think if I had even ovulated by that weekend. There are so many what if's. I am having a hard time moving forward from this stage. I am blessed to have a beautiful daughter, but I am scared that I will never have another baby. I am exhausted, I am tired of putting on my "big girl" face and pretending that nothing is wrong, when I actually want to scream, "Does anyone remember I was pregnant, I was almost 1/2 through the pregnancy when we found out Will was gone." Do people really expect me to just forget him? Do they forget the loved ones they have lost? I don't think very many people realize the fear and anxiety I would have getting pregnant again. It won't be blissful, it will be holding my breath at every appointment until there is a heartbeat. It will be obsessing over movements, and wondering if everything is ok. Getting pregnant isn't going to fix it, it is not going to replace Will. I just don't understand why people think that it will all just go away.
Will, I miss you. I am still saddened when I see babies that would be your age. I know Brenna would have been the best biggest sister to you. You would have been a little over 6 weeks old this week. I hope you are looking down on us from Heaven, and I hope you know I will always love you and will never forget you. Love, your mom.
2 comments:
Awwwe hun. I am so sorry. There is nothing you did wrong!! I hope soon you will be able to feel some healing...I am nowhere near healed, but with each month, I seem a little less angry... and a little more greatful for the time we got. (we are almost 1 year old) If you ever need to vent, you can email me... I am here for you!! I am sorry you can't find the answers you are looking for... You will never forgot your son. My grandma lost a baby over 60 years ago and she still cries for him! You will remember the rest of your life! Will will never forgot you either. Just remember, you will always be Will's mommy and regardless of what the rest of the world thinks...that's what matters!! Hugs to you!!
I agree with you. I still cannot accept that all of this happened "for a reason" either. And you are right, being pregnant again does NOT mean your life is back to normal. Your next child will make you happy but will not replace Will and will not take away the pain from his loss. Hugs.
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