I wonder if I will ever quit counting the days, the weeks the months. Someday it will be years. It is amazing how much has happened in the last 6 months. Somedays it feels so long ago, but most days the events flow through my mind like yesterday. I still can't believe my son is gone. I still don't know why my son is gone. I have not accepted that God has a plan. I have not accepted that God does not give us more than we can handle. I can't accept that there is no good reason for Will to be gone. The testing offered us no results, so then I continously look for something I did. Was it the one time in almost a year that I went out for drinks . I didn't know I was pregnant and I have tried to remember dates to think if I had even ovulated by that weekend. There are so many what if's. I am having a hard time moving forward from this stage. I am blessed to have a beautiful daughter, but I am scared that I will never have another baby. I am exhausted, I am tired of putting on my "big girl" face and pretending that nothing is wrong, when I actually want to scream, "Does anyone remember I was pregnant, I was almost 1/2 through the pregnancy when we found out Will was gone." Do people really expect me to just forget him? Do they forget the loved ones they have lost? I don't think very many people realize the fear and anxiety I would have getting pregnant again. It won't be blissful, it will be holding my breath at every appointment until there is a heartbeat. It will be obsessing over movements, and wondering if everything is ok. Getting pregnant isn't going to fix it, it is not going to replace Will. I just don't understand why people think that it will all just go away.
Will, I miss you. I am still saddened when I see babies that would be your age. I know Brenna would have been the best biggest sister to you. You would have been a little over 6 weeks old this week. I hope you are looking down on us from Heaven, and I hope you know I will always love you and will never forget you. Love, your mom.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
I go back to my posts once in awhile and look at comments. There is a post that seemed to have a new comment. So I read it. It kind of took me by suprise. There is one post on this blog where I admit my darkest times. I did that for the benefit of myself, seeing and typing those words make me realize what I have been through and in some way to benefit others that read my blog. IN NO WAY AM I ENCOURAGING SUICIDE ON MY BLOG. I hope that people recognize that rather than be ashamed if they have these types of thoughts they should seek help. I also hope that over time, my posts will show that I am not as angry and sad, and people can see that there are very bad times, but things slowly get better. If people want to truly understand what I have been through, I have to admit to my feelings. So I admit to having these quick fleeing thoughts, I have never actually acted on the thoughts. They have sometimes popped in my head, and then they are gone. I hate them, I hate that I have ever had any of the thoughts, but I have and it is part of the process so that is why they are written here. I could never leave my husband and daughter so selfishly as doing something like committing suicide, and they are my beautiful support that reminds me everyday that I have things to celebrate. Will's death was just a very hard experience that I am working through. I have never had a real plan for any of the thoughts. So I hope no one has every worried about me, I am doing what I need to do to get through this horrific time in my life. I would have to look back and see if I have previously posted this anywhere else, but I did go back to the Dr. shortly after losing Will and am on an antidepressant. It was a very hard decision to go on antidepressants, and I feel like I admitted defeat asking for them. Having the quick pop in thoughts was only one of the many reasons that I decided to go on an antidpressant, there were the sleepless nights, the irratability, the hormones going rampant in my body, the overwhelming sadness of my baby dying, not getting answers to why this happend and then thinking I did something to possibly cause this, not being able to focus at work, hmm I think I could go on all day. For those of you that have lost a baby, I am sure that you know what I am talking about. That is great if you got through it with no medication, I could not this time. For those of you that have never lost a baby, or a child you may not understand all of this. It has been quite sometime since I have had any of those fleeing thoughts, probably longer than the day I posted, but again I wanted to be as honest as I can on here, so that includes opening myself up and putting it all on the table. I am typically a very private person, so this journey has been trying at times. I know that I have chosen to put these intimate details out there. I welcome comments to my posts, and I won't always agree with them, but I felt compelled to clarify all of this.