tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11439053752905644012024-02-20T10:10:25.082-08:00Remembering WillKellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-2955252947548695092010-08-13T12:20:00.000-07:002010-08-13T12:25:32.952-07:00Where does the time go?Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-8937806860664023292009-08-31T15:02:00.000-07:002009-08-31T15:07:48.180-07:00When does it stop?I didn't get to journal on Will's one year angelversary. I didn't get to do anything to remember him, except mourn another one of his siblings. I had planned a balloon release, but found out that day that yet another one of my babies was gone. It didn't over shadow the pain of that day one year ago, it doubled it. Not only did I remember that day so vividly, but it felt like de ja vu. I would be going to the hospital again, this time for a D&C. Really, seriously, I never thought it could happen like this. Let alone the timing. <br />Will, I remembered the day like yesterday, like I was living it again. Everything replayed what felt like to the minute. I miss you so much still. I still have the what ifs, and wonder what you would look like. Please take of the new sibling that has joined you, and I will be with you one day.Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-980064127238306262009-08-21T12:34:00.001-07:002009-08-21T12:47:00.939-07:00The Day my World Stopped TurningOne year ago today I sat in the waiting room. I was excited and impatient. I told my husband I wished they would hurry, I just couldn't wait to see this baby. I couldn't wait to see if it were a boy or a girl. I really felt boy, but I needed the confirmation. I remember thinking it was ok if we didn't get a confirmation on the sex, because a surprise would be fun too. <br />Little did I know in just minutes my world would stop and forever be shattered. Little did I know that even though I would pick up those pieces, there would always be a piece missing, one that we would never be able to put back in the picture of our life. <br />The last year has been filled with so many emotions. I couldn't wait to get to the New Year, and a new beginning. Little did I know of the trials that we would be faced with. I have learned to never think "it can't get any worse" because it can and it will. <br />I have and will continue to mourn the son I will never know. I thought after his estimated due date, the days would get easier. I was wrong. I went through every step of the pregnancy again this April, May, June, July and August. I remembered where I was as the week passed by and how far along I was. I remember so vividly this 4th of July being so happy last 4th of July because we had passed the 12 week mark. All the pain haunted me more than I would have ever imagined. Now here it is~ the one year mark of finding out my babies heart had stopped beating. <br />I miss you my dearest son, I think of you daily and not a minute goes by that I don't wish you were here with us on earth. I will meet you someday, and pray that you are watching over us from Heaven.Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-17492138677697025292009-08-06T14:37:00.001-07:002009-08-06T14:43:52.556-07:00It's been awhile, again . . .I can't believe I haven't posted since April. Wow, I feel really bad about that. It has been a couple of months of ups and downs. Sadness at yet another loss, more testing that resulted in nothing and just life. I decided to run a 10K, and I DID IT!! I couldn't believe it I started training at the end of April and was able to run the race on July 4th. To most it may not seem like that big of a deal, but I haven't ran or put much into exercise for many years, so I am proud. I guess it gave me something to focus on instead of all my focus of not having Will for the 4th of July. It was still hard when we took our daughter to the carnival and saw people walking around with babies the same age that Will would have been. Sometimes there are some things that still take me by surprise. <br />I feel a great deal of anxiety rising again as Will's angelversary approaches. More emotions I was not quite as prepared to feel, as what I actually feel. <br />Will it isn't that I don't think about you, I think about you all the time. I didn't want to pack your ashes the other day, but everything will get packed eventually as we prepare to move. I will have a special place for them in our new home.Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-40469019792950445432009-04-30T12:38:00.001-07:002009-04-30T13:14:53.619-07:00Here we go again. . .A lot has happened since April 1. I have been pretty busy~ it always happens this time of year. Birthdays, spring the list goes on and on. I found out on April 18 that I was pregnant again. The joy was short lived though, as I began spotting on the 24. My hcg #'s were going up, so I had hope. Hope that this baby would be coming home safe in my arms, not joining his brother and two other siblings in Heaven. The weekend went ok, then Monday it all went south. I knew on Monday this baby was not coming home with us, but it was confirmed on Tuesday. Even though I knew it was over on Monday, I was grasping for straws, seeking out stories of other women that have had bleeding in pregnancy and went on to have healthy babies. Even though I knew not to get my hopes up and even though I was scared to death, I wanted something to hold on to. It is all gone now. I am angry, sad, confused and feel helpless all over again.<br />So here I go again, the sight of pregnant people brings me to tears, I hate overhearing pregnancy talk (except for the ladies I have met at BBC), I feel like no one wants to talk to me or be around me because I have a "disease" and it might rub off on them. I feel so completely out of control of everything again. Dang it, I was just getting past all of this. The hardest part is I really thought the progesterone supplement was the fix for us. Now I am questioning if it really helps, and Will and this last loss were "flukes" or bad luck. <br />Will~ watch over the baby that just joined you. Dear son I still think of you daily, I still miss you madly.Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-9286803867485476982009-04-01T14:23:00.000-07:002009-04-06T12:37:31.768-07:00One More Day. . .It has been awhile I guess. I don't know if that is good or bad. Good in the sense that I must not be as consumed with grief, but bad because I feel like I am moving on. I know that I am not forgetting Will, I think about him everyday, still wonder what he would look like, how it would be to have 2 children instead of one. I still am sad when people around me talk about pregnancy. Someone I work with just had her "big" ultra sound and that was tough. It brought back all of the memories of that day:<br />~ Couldn't wait for the appointment to get there<br />~Showed up early, hoping to get in early<br />~I remember commenting to Todd, I wish they would call us back aleady, I am so nervous and excited.<br />~Tech starts scan, says my cervix is nice and long and closed, let's me relieve my overly full bladder<br />~Hop back on the table, tech doesn't push tape into to record, doesn't do measure ments like I had remembered with my daughter, doesn't say anything until saying, " I am not getting the measurements I need, have to get the Dr. so he can see it in real time"<br />~I break down and tell Todd something is wrong, the baby hasn't moved the whole time, I turn the ultrasound screen and see the measurements: 15 wks 3 days and 15 wks 1 day, my heart breaks, something is sooooo wrong<br />~Dr. comes back and says "Hi guys, how are you? Probably have had better days bla bla bla. . . looks at a couple of shots then says, I am sorry there is no heartbeat<br />~Have a few minutes to gather ourselves, go to the Dr. office and we are given our options<br />~Make arrangements for DD and Todd's work<br />~Decide to wait until Monday for induction unless something happens over the weekend<br /><br />It never changes, everything is so vivid like it was yesterday. It is wierd how things can just smack me in the face sometimes, feels like a ton of bricks falling on my heart all over again.Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-23576087054707246542009-03-11T15:10:00.000-07:002009-04-01T14:32:09.769-07:00Better with Time. . . .<a href="http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2009/02/will_12.html">http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2009/02/will_12.html</a> I havent' figured out how to get the picture on here yet, but Carlie was kind enough to write Will's name in the sand.<br />Alot has happened since the last post. One of the Baby Center message boards had a post that asked why people chose the names they did for their babies. I didn't put alot of thought into the meaning, but just wanted double constanents (don't know if I spelled that right) to follow a pattern we had unintentionally started. DH has two D's, I have to L's, and DD has two N's. I wanted a name to follow, and Will seemed to fit. I got curious and looked up the meaning of Will. The sight I looked it up on said that Will means protector. Hmm, that made my happy and gave me a peaceful feeling.<br />I held a baby about 10 days ago. It was a nice feeling and I didn't break down. A couple that I work with has been trying to have a baby unsuccessfully for 3 or 4 years. They were recently able to adopt a baby, so I was over joyed for them, and at the shower I held their baby girl. I hope that I get to hold another baby again someday.<br />For some reason, this past couple of weeks has been quite peaceful. Not that I have forgot Will, or that I don't miss him, it has just been peaceful. Part of the healing I suppose.Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-18721839868256470122009-02-23T15:02:00.001-08:002009-04-01T14:32:35.384-07:00Oridinary Day . . .I wonder if I will ever quit counting the days, the weeks the months. Someday it will be years. It is amazing how much has happened in the last 6 months. Somedays it feels so long ago, but most days the events flow through my mind like yesterday. I still can't believe my son is gone. I still don't know why my son is gone. I have not accepted that God has a plan. I have not accepted that God does not give us more than we can handle. I can't accept that there is no good reason for Will to be gone. The testing offered us no results, so then I continously look for something I did. Was it the one time in almost a year that I went out for drinks . I didn't know I was pregnant and I have tried to remember dates to think if I had even ovulated by that weekend. There are so many what if's. I am having a hard time moving forward from this stage. I am blessed to have a beautiful daughter, but I am scared that I will never have another baby. I am exhausted, I am tired of putting on my "big girl" face and pretending that nothing is wrong, when I actually want to scream, "Does anyone remember I was pregnant, I was almost 1/2 through the pregnancy when we found out Will was gone." Do people really expect me to just forget him? Do they forget the loved ones they have lost? I don't think very many people realize the fear and anxiety I would have getting pregnant again. It won't be blissful, it will be holding my breath at every appointment until there is a heartbeat. It will be obsessing over movements, and wondering if everything is ok. Getting pregnant isn't going to fix it, it is not going to replace Will. I just don't understand why people think that it will all just go away.<br /><em>Will, I miss you. I am still saddened when I see babies that would be your age. I know Brenna would have been the best biggest sister to you. You would have been a little over 6 weeks old this week. I hope you are looking down on us from Heaven, and I hope you know I will always love you and will never forget you. Love, your mom. </em>Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-88748618383527501052009-02-05T09:09:00.000-08:002009-02-05T09:44:08.500-08:00Thinking backI go back to my posts once in awhile and look at comments. There is a post that seemed to have a new comment. So I read it. It kind of took me by suprise. There is one post on this blog where I admit my darkest times. I did that for the benefit of myself, seeing and typing those words make me realize what I have been through and in some way to benefit others that read my blog. IN NO WAY AM I ENCOURAGING SUICIDE ON MY BLOG. I hope that people recognize that rather than be ashamed if they have these types of thoughts they should seek help. I also hope that over time, my posts will show that I am not as angry and sad, and people can see that there are very bad times, but things slowly get better. If people want to truly understand what I have been through, I have to admit to my feelings. So I admit to having these quick fleeing thoughts, I have never actually acted on the thoughts. They have sometimes popped in my head, and then they are gone. I hate them, I hate that I have ever had any of the thoughts, but I have and it is part of the process so that is why they are written here. I could never leave my husband and daughter so selfishly as doing something like committing suicide, and they are my beautiful support that reminds me everyday that I have things to celebrate. Will's death was just a very hard experience that I am working through. I have never had a real plan for any of the thoughts. So I hope no one has every worried about me, I am doing what I need to do to get through this horrific time in my life. I would have to look back and see if I have previously posted this anywhere else, but I did go back to the Dr. shortly after losing Will and am on an antidepressant. It was a very hard decision to go on antidepressants, and I feel like I admitted defeat asking for them. Having the quick pop in thoughts was only one of the many reasons that I decided to go on an antidpressant, there were the sleepless nights, the irratability, the hormones going rampant in my body, the overwhelming sadness of my baby dying, not getting answers to why this happend and then thinking I did something to possibly cause this, not being able to focus at work, hmm I think I could go on all day. For those of you that have lost a baby, I am sure that you know what I am talking about. That is great if you got through it with no medication, I could not this time. For those of you that have never lost a baby, or a child you may not understand all of this. It has been quite sometime since I have had any of those fleeing thoughts, probably longer than the day I posted, but again I wanted to be as honest as I can on here, so that includes opening myself up and putting it all on the table. I am typically a very private person, so this journey has been trying at times. I know that I have chosen to put these intimate details out there. I welcome comments to my posts, and I won't always agree with them, but I felt compelled to clarify all of this.Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-16733339330230411612009-01-30T15:48:00.000-08:002009-01-30T16:02:16.305-08:00Reminders. . .I was at an appointment with a person that I support yesterday. She was in for an xray type procedure, and I was in the waiting room. In comes a young mother, her mother and a tiny baby. I was reading the paper and trying not to pay attention to them. Then the grandmother took the baby out of the carrier. Another person in the waiting room asked how old he was. The granmother replied 15 days. I nearly lost it, as Will would have only been a few days older. I caught a glimpse of him all crunched up and could hear his little baby sounds and I almost had to leave the waiting room. I was biting my lip as the tears started welling up in my eyes. I long to smell the baby smell and hear the little coos and I just don't understand why this happens to people. I will never understand why this happens to people. I am so angry and frustrated that I am not holding my baby. I am scared that this will happen again and I just don't think I could handle it. I know life isn't easy, but I wish I knew why this all happened, and happens to so many others. I am angry at a comment someone made at work. We were talking about our work Christmas party. Anothe coworker asked me if I "tied one on." I didn't want to announce that we were TTC again, so I just said "I had one wine cooler and it didn't settle well." She made a sneering sound and said "One wine cooler, jeeze I can have that and I am pregnant." I could have slapped her across the face. WTF?? Why would you even think that was ok, and ok to say to someone who lost a baby? On top of that we work with several people with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and have had inservices that have information that "No amount of alcohol is safe, and FAS may not be seen right away, but the effects can come later in infancy until adult hood." I don't drink after I know I have ovulated, and I drink very minimal when we are TTC. And to top it all off, AF shows up, so another month that I am not pregnant and the one who has a sip "now and then" is. <br />On the upside I am so excited for a couple of ladies on the Baby Center boards that I chat with. They found out they are pregnant and so far everything looks good for them. I pray for a healthy 8-9 months for them. <br /><em>Will, I hope you are looking down on us and sending us strength. Mommy needs it right now. I hope that you are happy in Heaven and playing with all of the other babies that you joined and have joined you. I miss you and wish you were here with us. I often think of how big you would have been, if you had your dad's nose like your sister, if you would have had brown eyes like me, or blue eyes like your dad. I love you, love mom. </em>Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-62592447293657501812009-01-20T08:56:00.000-08:002009-01-20T09:03:36.051-08:00A Shift. . .Well alot has happened this past week. I was really stressed out at work, and I caught myself thinking so many times, "I shouldn't be here, I should be at home with a newborn." When I thought the week couldn't get worse, my husband called to let me know he had been laid off from his job, indefinety. The call came about 2 hours before he was support to start his shift. Wow, everytime I think it can't get worse, something hits me out of blue. We will make it through, this and a tiny part of me is, in a weird way, happy that Will is in Heaven looking down on us, instead of starting out in an world that is falling apart. <br />Don't get me wrong, I still wish he was with us, I still wonder everyday what he would have looked like, what his personality would have been, all of the what if's. Even amongst the economoic turmoil, deep down I would still rather have my baby with me, even if it meant struggling a little more financially for awhile.Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-9003942176232701362009-01-12T18:40:00.000-08:002009-01-12T18:43:16.964-08:00The DayWell today is Will's EDD. It started out like any other day. Then I looked at the calendar. I didn't have to look at the calendar to know it was today, but seeing the 12 on the calendar just stopped me in my tracks. I was suprised that Todd remembered. When we talked on the phone, he asked me how I was doing. Well, I had my poker face on again. I wanted to run away, and not look back, instead I stayed composed and finished my day. Everyone else went about their business, no one remembered until this afternoon. A good friend of mine remembered, and she will never know how much that meant to me. <br /><em>Will, you would have been here by now, I am thinking of you alot today. I miss you so much</em>.Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-58147984314384473642009-01-09T14:23:00.000-08:002009-01-09T14:29:39.210-08:00When does it get better?I cried again last night. I couldn't stop. The tears just came and flowed and I sobbed, body jerking sobs. Todd just held me and said it is ok. I managed to say, but it is not. Nothing is ever going to be the same. <br />I am stressed at work, and all I can think about is that I shouldn't even be here, I should be bringing my baby home from the hospital. Yes Will was due January 12, but I would have had a repeat c-section, so it would most likely have been scheduled this week. I have to drive by the hospital on my way home from work. Last night all of the L&D rooms had lights on. It was just a painful reminder that it was not me. I am really rethinking TTC this month, maybe I am not ready yet. Getting pregnant wouldn't fix things, I just desire a baby so much. Not to replace Will, because that is not possible. I just wonder if this will all get better? I know that I will never be the same, but I just thought I would get past this overwhelming grief.Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-46263940497465273752009-01-02T16:53:00.000-08:002009-01-02T17:00:11.780-08:00Really, a New Year?So the New Year wasn't what I thought it would be. Go figure, that is pretty much what the last 5 years has been. If they were what I thought they would be, I would have had a baby in July of 2004. When that baby grew wings, I should have had a baby in May of 2005. That one didn't work out either. If either of those two pregnancies would have worked, I wouldn't have my daughter, and I am thankful for her and couldn't imagine my life without her. I am glad that we have her, but often wonder what the other two babies would have been like. I know I am not communicating what I want to say very well at all, because I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything. It just reminds me of that one movie, I think it was called Sliding Door or something. <br />Now I sit here typing, wondering what the last 4 months would have been like, and what Will would have been like. Would he have been as laid back as his sister, would have he came early? All the what if's. <br />I thought I would wake up yesterday feeling "refreshed" and feeling like the New Year was a fresh start, but it wasn't like that at all. Instead, I could only think of what should have been. I should have been 39 weeks pregnant and ready to deliver my son. <br /><em>Will I wish you stayed with us, I still can't believe you are gone. I will never get over you, and will always wonder about you.</em>Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-7837744518010169552008-12-26T09:12:00.001-08:002008-12-26T09:21:53.183-08:00ChristmasI cried for 2 hours straight Christmas eve night. I slept with Will's Urn. I was amazed to wake up yesterday morning to find that I still had my hand tightly around Will's Urn. I can't beleive how hard this still is after 4 months. I know I will never forget Will, but I just thought the moments of overwhelming grief would be gone. The one's that you start crying and can't stop it, and you cry so hard that your lips even swell. The overwhelming greif that seems to come out of nowhere. <br />My brother was crabby on Christmas Eve. He was dreading coming to the family gathering, again this year with no wife, not even a fiancee, not even a girlfriend. I feel bad for him, he has had some relationships, and was even going to propose to the last girl, but they all seem to go south. However, when he snapped at me, saying "Yea, I am grumpy, but why should I look forward to seeing everyone with their families and husbands or fiance's, when I don't have one." It took everything I had, and I even had to stop myself, because I started to say, "Suck it up, I would have had a baby in 2-3 weeks." Instead I just said, I am not even going to go there. I know that I can't continue to bring it up, but I just feel like everyone has forgotten the horrific loss of my son. It still affects me, it will continue to affect me the rest of my life. There is a permanent hole in my heart from the piece that went to Heaven with Will. <br /><em>I thought about you a lot Will, the last couple of days. I didn't write to you sooner, because I was not around a computer. You would have been with us in just a short couple of weeks, but that was not in the cards. I miss you more than ever this week, my sweet son. I will never forget you, and I will always love you. Love, your mom.</em>Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-52063818710160982852008-12-18T11:45:00.000-08:002008-12-19T14:40:03.789-08:00The Final CountdownSo I am officially going to countdown the rest of this crappy year. I have to admit, the whole year wasn't crappy, just from August 21, 2008. So there are less than two weeks left. Of course the year couldn't have went out quietly, it had to throw us one more punch. I write this cautiously, since yes there are almost two weeks left. The last blow was Todd's grandpa passing away December 11. It was a double edged blow, as his grandpa has not been well for quite sometime. So he is free now, no more suffering. But on the other side, it was the last close relative Todd had on his paternal side. I don't think I stated that quite right so here goes some explanation: Todd's real dad was killed in a trucking accident when Todd was 11. Todd had no aunts or uncles. Todd's mom had already remarried when his dad was killed, so his step dad became very important to him. Todd's step dad passed away in October of 2005. So now Todd has lost two dads. Todd has great aunts and uncles and second and third cousins out there, but his grandfather's family was not that close. Todd is the last one to carry on this branch of the family tree, and our son died before we got to know him. I won't lie, in the back of my mind, I wonder if we will ever have another baby, let alone a boy.<br />I have had such a hard time again. Not very many people will admit their weakest moments, but I have had them. I have wished to go to bed and never wake up, I had a split second wish that my tire would blow out and the car would wreck and my whole family would go together. I even thought the other day that I could start my car and "forget" to open the garage door quick enough~ it would look like an accident. I am more than embarrassed about these thoughts, because I have never thought like this before. I have never never seen how people could commit suicide, but when you are in so much pain, and you are at the lowest you have ever been, you don't feel like you will ever climb out of the "pit" you have fallen in, the mind works in mysterious ways.<br />Now on the other side of that: I am grateful for a nurse that recognized I was struggling in the first few days after we lost Will. Even though I didn't take her up on her offer to make an appointment that day or within a couple of days, she left me with an "opening" for help when it got worse. I am grateful that even though my mind has had every thought possible, even some I would have never imagined I could have had, that my determination has kept me strong and not let me fall into the quicksand at the bottom of the "pit". I am grateful that I have a beautiful, smart, witty, and wonderful daughter at home to remind me that I have a reason to get past this and go on. I couldn't imagine not having her, because at 3, she has helped me more than any doctor could have. I also am so blessed to have my best friend and husband, because with out him, I could not have made it thus far through this. So maybe this is the pieces falling back in place, one at a time, ever so slowly. There will always be 3 pieces missing of my heart, the two babies I never got to hold, and Will that I will never get to see grow up. Maybe one day, MAYBE, those pieces will be so small and there will be other pieces that overshadow the missing ones, but they will always be the holes in the picture that makes my heart.<br />The days are still hard, and I know they will be until I can kiss this year good bye. They will be hard up until January 12, then I will not have any milestones until August 21, when we found out Will had died, and August 26, Will's angelversary.Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-31387269442383347312008-12-08T11:32:00.000-08:002008-12-09T07:37:11.755-08:00This week . . .The days are getting tougher. I knew this would happen, as Will's due date approached. I can't get into the Christmas spirit, but I know I have to for my daughter. I feel like I am back in that u/s room again, when we first found out Will was gone. I feel like I did 3 months ago. I almost cried today at the pictures of a fairly new baby. Of course the proud grandpa couldn't just let it go that I didn't look, he kind of stood there waiting for the whole table to look. I know he just wanted to share his grandchild, but leave me the hell alone already.<br />There just seems to be gloom all around, as another mom has joined the 2cnd/3rd trimester loss board at BabyCenter. I almost cry seeing pregnant women again. I just thought I was dealing with this better than I am. I am tired today. I am tired of wearing my "poker" face that I put on every morning. It is the face that makes everyone think I am ok, but really I feel like I am dying inside. I am tired of trying to conceal how I really feel, but I don't want anyone to know either. I know how does that work? I am tired of the wind and cold. I am tired of more moms joining this unfair club.<br />On another note, the bracelet I had made in Will's memory came last week. It is more beautiful than I could have imagined. I still miss him everyday, actually I miss him more than ever today.Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-60417067753693828672008-12-01T14:11:00.000-08:002008-12-01T14:30:43.043-08:00One Down, One to goSo Thanksgiving is over. One Holiday down, one to go. It was almost like it wasn't Thanksgiving. We traveled to the eastern side of the state to spend the weekend with Todd's family. His grandmother had to move to a nursing home, so we spent some time helping clean out her apartment. It was weird going through her stuff, but we knew it would be easier for her not to be there. I felt really bad for Todd's grandma, it must have been hard knowing we were going through her life.<br />I did better than I thought I would. One of Todd's cousins had a baby girl in June. Her family was there, and because they live in Texas, this is the first time we have seen her baby. It made me sad on Thanksgiving day, I couldn't quit thinking that I should have been pregnant and due to have my own baby in just a few short weeks. I held it together, and didn't breakdown until after we left that evening. I feel bad, I didn't pay much attention to their baby or talk about her much, I just was trying to hold it together.<br />Thanksgiving is always a time for me to reflect what I am thankful for. I am extremely thankful for my daughter, husband, and the rest of my family. I am also thankful we all have good health. But this year I had a hard time convincing myself to be thankful, selfish yes, but it is what it is. I really am thankful this shitty year is almost over.<br /><br />I thought about you alot this past couple of weeks Will. Your ornament came, it is beautiful. I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of your memory bracelet. I hope you know your daddy and I love you and think about you often.Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-50435323609774441852008-11-17T14:11:00.000-08:002008-11-17T14:13:53.992-08:00Another weekToday I ordered an ornament for Will. I also finally decided on a bracelet for his memory. I have been looking at the bracelets/memory items for quite some time, I just couldn't commit to one. After all of this, commitment is sometimes difficult. I am excited for both to arrive. <br />Missing you and loving you always Will.Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-44968770062282787292008-11-14T12:57:00.000-08:002008-11-21T08:38:32.924-08:0020 ThingsThe following is a list of things that Parents of and Angel would like you to remember, I borrowed this from someone elses site; although not all of them fit me to a "T", many do fit for me. <br />1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Will. The truth is just because you never saw him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.<br />2. I wish that if we did talk about Will and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Will with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.<br />3. I wish that you could talk about Will more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.<br />4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Will. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.<br />5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Will has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.<br />6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Will, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.<br />7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Will never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 5 months.<br />8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.<br />9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it". As for me, most days I put on the happiest face I can, I smile and pretend nothing is wrong, but I am really dying inside.<br />10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing Will doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.<br />11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.<br />12. I wish you would think of Will as a baby and and not just a miscarriage. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.<br />13. Will's due date, his birthdate, the day he was deliveredand Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (andWill) on these days.<br />14. I wish you understood that losing Will has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.<br />15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Will. Babies aren't interchangeable.<br />16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Will or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.<br />17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.<br />18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad. I am happy for people, but it is hard to see pregnant bellies and newborns. <br />19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Will is gone.<br />20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gaurantee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-22271641402063755062008-11-13T15:04:00.000-08:002008-11-14T10:04:59.109-08:00A new day. . .I feel better today. I finally figured out how to add a playlist to this blog, a counter box for how long Will has been gone, and I was able to customize the page a bit more. I am happier with it now. Thanks to all the ladies from the Baby Center Support group who helped me with all the technical stuff.<br />I am not as angry today as I was yesterday. I suppose it will come and go. I don't expect everything to go away, some of it will always stay with me. It is just that some days are so much harder than others. Someone posted on Baby Center that the first 3 months your body is running on shock and adrenaline, then it wears off, so it is normal for things to get worse. Maybe that is why the last couple of weeks have been so hard. <br />I love you Will and miss you everyday.Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-23487763092098703212008-11-12T11:25:00.000-08:002008-11-20T10:01:04.945-08:0012 weeks and counting. . .and hating. . .It has been 12 weeks since we delivered Will. The entire 12 weeks have been an emotional roller coaster, but just after I thought I had found some peace in all of this, the roller coaster started again. I have had so many emotions the last couple of weeks. I have had baby on the brain so much lately. I want to be pregnant so badly and bring home a healthy baby, but I worry it is too soon. I don't know if I feel guilty wanting to try to conceive again, or if it is the fear~ what if we decide to try again and this happens again, but something has started the roller coaster again. I do not want to get pregnant again to replace Will, as that could never happen. I just want another baby so badly.<br />I just feel so overwhelmed and I HATE it. I am angry again. I am questioning why it is that people that want babies can't have them. I did everything I was supposed to; didn't drink alcohol, took prenatals, changed my diet and my child dies.<br />I hate thinking about the people that drink throughout their pregnancies, even just a beer or a sip of alcohol now and then.<br />I hate thinking about the people that get to choose to end their babies lives, just becuase it is an inconvienence for them at that time in their life.<br />I hate thinking of all the people that choose to continue to use drugs while they are pregnant. <br />I hate overhearing pregnant people complain how uncomfortable they are, I would give anything to have my son back~ I would take all of the aches and pains and trips to the bathroom that wake you during the night.<br />I then hate that I feel guilty for judging people.<br />I hate hearing about the local high school students that are pregnant. I am not trying to judge, it just is so hard to deal with all of this some days.<br />I hate seeing pregnant bellies. It's not that I am not happy for people, it is just insanely hard thinking that should be my belly, all round and big. In the same breath, I hate being the elephant in the room. People hide and whisper about pregnancy and babies. I know this seems irrational, and leaves it to question~ should I talk about pregnancy in front of her or not. Really the only way I can answer that is it really depends on the day. I am happy for our friends that have babies, and that are pregnant. I definetly am not ready to sit down and talk about your pregnancy or baby with you, but I am truelly happy that everything is well for you. I honestly would not wish this on my worst enemy. <br />I hate feeling like this, but I can't get past how angry I am and how unfair this is for anyone.<br />I hate that I feel like I am throwing myself a pitty party. I want to go and bawl for awhile, but there is no way I could hide it, and I don't want people to ask. I wish I could go home for the rest of the day, but I am so far behind, and posting and scanning Baby Center isn't helping me get caught up, but it helps emotionally sometimes.<br />I hate feeling that everyone has forgot Will. I hate that we never sent out some sort of card or note that let people know what happened.<br />I hate feeling that people expect us to move on and some people don't understand. They are uncomfortable bringing it up, or uncomfortable if I talk about it.<br />I hate that the Dr. still says fetus when we talk about Will. He was a baby to me, not a fetus. I know he has to use the correct terms, but I still hate it. <br />I hate that Todd and I got our chromosomal testing results back and everything was normal. So back to square one~ there is essentially nothing we can do to prevent this from happening again. I hate thinking that I did something to cause this. I try and think back what I did between week 15 and 16, but can't remember anything that could have done this.<br />I hate feeling that my body has betrayed me yet again. I hate feeling that my body is broken. . . why doesn't it recognize when a pregnancy has ended, not that it would have been easier, but some indication that something was wrong would have taken some of the shock factor out of all of this.<br />There is a slight chance that Will had a chromosomal abnormalty, that could not be proven because his tissue did not grow chromosomes, but we don't know for sure. I didn't want anything to be wrong, but the desire for an answer why this happened overrides rational thought sometimes.<br />I hate that the Holidays are just around the corner. Ugghh. . . the Holidays. I will have to save that for another post.Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1143905375290564401.post-85547967002189659962008-10-13T16:59:00.001-07:002008-12-01T14:29:00.829-08:00The hardest day of my life. . .I should have done this weeks ago. I was afraid that I couldn't figure it out. I'm not very technical when it comes to computers and internet.<br /><br />Anyhow, I wanted a place for people to go, so they could read about my husband's (Todd) and my angel son. I know some of our friends and family have questions, and some don't want to ask, so I will put it all here. I think it will help me in the healing process.<br /><br />Last spring (April 2008) my husband and I decided it was time to add to our family. This time I got pregnant the first month we tried. We were excited but cautious. I had problems with two other pregnancies, they ended in m/c at 6 weeks and 5 weeks, prior to our beautiful daughter.<br />the end of April arrives with a me very tired. To the point I can hardly make myself get out of bed. We are supposed to go to a friend's wedding, and I plan on having a few drinks. My period isn't due for a couple of days, but the fatigue is all to familiar. I decide to take a home pregnancy test. I figured it would be a big fat negative, but wanted to be sure. I pee on the stick and set it down. I leave the bathroom for a couple of minutes, and come back. I nearly passed out, there are two lines. I am in shock, it took 4-6 months of trying before any of our other pregancies. Of course I am beyond happy. I wait a couple of weeks and set up the first appointment. I purposely schedule it for a little past 7 weeks, as I am pretty sure I will have an u/s, and I want to be past the previous two loss time frames. I am excited about our first appointment. It seems to take forever for the appointment to come. Todd and I go to the first appointment, and I do indeed get an u/s. There is our little one, hanging out and you can see the flash on the screen. I breath a sigh, there is a heartbeat. This is good. We are past the previous loss dates. I feel better.<br />The next appointment is at 11 weeks. The doctor gets out the doppler. It takes awhile, but we hear a heart beating and all is good. I breath another sigh of relief as we are almost to twelve weeks. After all, twelve weeks is the magic number right?? The next appointment is at 15 weeks. The doctor gets the doppler out again. Again it takes a little bit to find the heartbeat, and we laugh because "if this baby is this active now, just wait until you really feel it move." We are assured that the heartbeat is good and strong. So I really relax. What could go wrong now?<br />I had felt flutters occasionally and only for a short time but I was not worried because it was still early. We thought we were in the clear. We anxiously awaited the midpoint u/s, which was at 19 weeks. We decided that if the u/s tech was able to determine the sex, we wanted to know if the baby was a boy or a girl.<br />I was unprepared for what happened once the u/s started. The baby was just lying there, and did not look to be in a very comfortable position. The tech moved the wand, and still the baby just layed there, motionless. The tech measured a thigh. She then measured the head. The u/s tech then said "I think I will go get the Dr., I am having a hard time getting the measurements I need, and I would like him to see this in real time." I just new at that moment that something was wrong. I started to cry, but tried to stay positive. While the tech was trying to take measurements, we couldn't see the screen very well. I turned the screen towards us and pointed to the measurements. I told Todd something is wrong, look the measurements are only around 16 weeks, the baby should be 19 1/2 weeks. I also said that the baby hasn't moved the entire time. We tried to stay positive. The Dr. came in and asked how we were. He said you probably aren't very good right now. He then asked if I had any spotting or cramping. I stated no. He then said they could not detect a heart beat, and it looks as though the baby had died 2-3 weeks before the u/s. I had no signs, no cramping, no spotting, nothing to prepare me for this.<br />We were left alone in the room for "as long we needed". When we finally gathered ourselves, we were taken back to a room on the Dr.'s side of the building. The doctor came in and gave us our options. I could have D&C done, but he "didn't like to do them when babies are that big". I could go to the hospital and have an induction to deliver the baby, or I could let it happen naturally. Todd was supposed to work the next day, and of course wanted to be there, so we had to go home and make some arrangements. Part of our decision was based on that Dr. was going to be out of town that weekend (he said it typically took about 24 hours. We were also waiting to hear back from Todd's job, to find out if his shift could be covered. We didn't hear back from Todd's job until late that evening, so we decided to wait for Monday. I guess a small part of me was hoping that my body would recognize the baby had died and it would do what it was supposed to.<br />The weekend was terrible. I didn't want to go anywhere, because I didn't know if my body would realize the baby had died. I didn't know what to expect. I had so much to think about; I had alot to do at work, and was not anticipating being gone. We had to make arrangements for Brenna. My younger sister was in town. My baby had died, and I was walking around with a dead baby in my belly.<br />Monday morning came. We checked into the hospital and were sent up to Labor and Delivery. We were led back to a room. I stopped just outside and started crying. I was finally able to muster up the strength to go in the room. We went in the room and started the process. The nurse put in a hep-lock and we waited for the Dr. He came in and gave me a dose of Cytotec in suppository form. He came back at 1, and not much had changed. He had me take the Cytotec orally. He came back after 5pm. I had started having "cramps" but not much else had changed. These 36 hours were the worst of my life. For some reason, I thought this would all be easier once the baby was delivered and out of me. I just wanted the medicine to work and all of this to be over. I had another dose orally later that night. As the medicine began to work, the pain worsened and finally at around 9 pm, I asked for pain meds. When the Nusre J. brought in the meds, she asked if someone explained what would happen. No one really had yet. She explained that once everything started it would happen very quickly, and she would probably be the one to "deliver" the baby as the doctor would not have time to get there. She also asked if we wanted pictures of the baby. Did we want to see the baby? WHAT?? I didn't even know any of this was an option. I thought I would want to see the baby. Todd said he did not want to see the baby. I didn't know about pictures. Nurse J. said they could take pictures and put them in an envelope and we could look at them when we were ready. By morning nothing had progressed. I became very sick from the pain meds and started vomitting. I finally quit vomitting at noon. I took another dose of the medication orally. I had to have another dose at around 5 pm. The "cramps" were like labor. They came more frequently and continued to intensify. I asked for pain medication again. This time I had a reaction to the medication. The Dr. ordered demoral instead. I had two doses of demoral, and when the time passed and I could have had another dose, I didn't have time to get another dose. Everything happened so quickly. Finally it was over, our son entered the world sleeping at 8:27 pm Tuesday August 26th. We chose to see him. He had a perfect little nose, 10 fingers, 10 toes. He was very skinny and very red colored, but perfect in every way. The vision of him laying there lifeless is burned into my memory forever. Nurse J. could not tell if the baby was a boy or girl, but when the doctor looked at him, he said it looks like he was a little boy.<br />I had an overwhelming need to have him blessed, so the nurse called the Pastor on call. When the Pastor arrived, the nurse brought Will back in, and gave him to me to hold. She had wrapped a hand made blue afghan around him. Before the blessing the Pastor asked if we were going to have a service. I stated I wasn't sure because we didn't know we would even be able to have him blessed. The Pastor said he would find out and got a nurse. A nurse that we hadn't seen yet came in. She said that she would take the baby after the blessing was over. So the Pastor started the blessing, I don't remember most of it, I was crying so hard. I just kept wishing this were a bad dream I could wake up from. I do remember all of us, even Nurse J. saying the Lord's Prayer at the end. Then they took Will. The Dr. came back in the room and he visited with us, but again I don't remember much of what he said, except to make an appointment for a few days. We left that night. We did not know we could have the baby cremated or if we could take him to have him burried. We didn't know if we should have a memorial. I guess I hadn't thought that far ahead. I wanted to go home so badly, I didn't ask anything else.<br />There didn't seem to be any closure, the baby's gestational age was not far enough for him to have a death certificate, but I couldn't just let him go with nothing, no name, no memory. Todd and I decided to name him Will.<br />The next day was extremely hard. I cried to the point that I didn't think I could cry anymore. I never knew until that day that you can cry so hard and so much. My heart was broken, my abdomen was still slightly big, but EMPTY. It felt like someone had reached into my chest and ripped my heart out. Again, I just wanted it all to be a bad dream that I could wake up from. When I slept, I dreamt the events over and over again.<br />Nurse J. was with us both nights we were in the hospital, and I could never thank her enough for being so thoughtful, understanding, patient and simply wonderful. I don't think we would have got through everything without her help. She took pictures of Will's hands and feet. She weighed him and measured him and put everything, including the afghan, into a memory box.<br />That Thursday night (August 28), I had a huge meltdown, I really didn't think it could get worse, but it could. I panicked over where the baby went and what happened to his little body. I couldn't imagine his body being tossed out with the other bio-hazard materials. After my sister did some digging, by Friday afternoon I had located Will's body. The lab also gave me the information for a local funeral home that would cremate the baby, and they didn't charge for babies. Not that I was worried about the cost, I would have paid anything to have him back with us. The lab person I talked to even called the funeral home and made the arrangements. I felt somewhat better when we were able to bring Will home. His ashes are in an acorn shaped urn.<br />The next couple of weeks were a blurr. I don't remember how I managed to do anything. I went through the motions and I know I cried alot. I would go on walks/runs because the burning from running made me feel better. I managed to take Brenna to daycare, I figured she would get more from being there than staying home with me, watching me cry. This was very hard on her too. She was just understanding that there was a baby in my belly. She apologizes when I cry. I tell her she is not the reason mommy is crying, I am sad that Will went to be with Jesus.<br />I couldn't see pregnant people or newborn babies. I would have a panick attack and have to leave before I broke down.<br />I went back to work after two weeks. It was ok the first week, I had a lot to keep me busy. By the second week back to work, I was struggling. I could only focus on the baby being gone. I didn't care about the obligations at work I was not meeting. I was in a funk at home, snapping at Todd and Brennafor the littlest things. I would cry at the drop of a hat. It was worse when Todd was on night shift, I felt alone after Brenna went to bed. I also couldn't sleep, my dreams were always about the u/s when we found out Will was gone, about the hospital and seeing Will laying there lifeless.<br />We had some of the baby's tissue sent for testing. I was anxiously awaiting the results. After 4 weeks the Dr. called back. They were unable to get any results from the tissue. So we still do not know if something was chromosomally wrong or not. So Todd and I had chromosomal tests done, and spent time with a genetic counselor to rule out unbalanced chromosomes. We are also having a slew of other tests done to rule out other things. It will be a couple more weeks before we get those results back.Kellihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00758555186369791030noreply@blogger.com1