Monday, November 17, 2008

Another week

Today I ordered an ornament for Will. I also finally decided on a bracelet for his memory. I have been looking at the bracelets/memory items for quite some time, I just couldn't commit to one. After all of this, commitment is sometimes difficult. I am excited for both to arrive.
Missing you and loving you always Will.

Friday, November 14, 2008

20 Things

The following is a list of things that Parents of and Angel would like you to remember, I borrowed this from someone elses site; although not all of them fit me to a "T", many do fit for me.
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Will. The truth is just because you never saw him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about Will and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Will with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3. I wish that you could talk about Will more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Will. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Will has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Will, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Will never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 5 months.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it". As for me, most days I put on the happiest face I can, I smile and pretend nothing is wrong, but I am really dying inside.
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing Will doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you would think of Will as a baby and and not just a miscarriage. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.
13. Will's due date, his birthdate, the day he was deliveredand Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (andWill) on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing Will has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Will. Babies aren't interchangeable.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Will or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad. I am happy for people, but it is hard to see pregnant bellies and newborns.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Will is gone.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gaurantee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

Thursday, November 13, 2008

A new day. . .

I feel better today. I finally figured out how to add a playlist to this blog, a counter box for how long Will has been gone, and I was able to customize the page a bit more. I am happier with it now. Thanks to all the ladies from the Baby Center Support group who helped me with all the technical stuff.
I am not as angry today as I was yesterday. I suppose it will come and go. I don't expect everything to go away, some of it will always stay with me. It is just that some days are so much harder than others. Someone posted on Baby Center that the first 3 months your body is running on shock and adrenaline, then it wears off, so it is normal for things to get worse. Maybe that is why the last couple of weeks have been so hard.
I love you Will and miss you everyday.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

12 weeks and counting. . .and hating. . .

It has been 12 weeks since we delivered Will. The entire 12 weeks have been an emotional roller coaster, but just after I thought I had found some peace in all of this, the roller coaster started again. I have had so many emotions the last couple of weeks. I have had baby on the brain so much lately. I want to be pregnant so badly and bring home a healthy baby, but I worry it is too soon. I don't know if I feel guilty wanting to try to conceive again, or if it is the fear~ what if we decide to try again and this happens again, but something has started the roller coaster again. I do not want to get pregnant again to replace Will, as that could never happen. I just want another baby so badly.
I just feel so overwhelmed and I HATE it. I am angry again. I am questioning why it is that people that want babies can't have them. I did everything I was supposed to; didn't drink alcohol, took prenatals, changed my diet and my child dies.
I hate thinking about the people that drink throughout their pregnancies, even just a beer or a sip of alcohol now and then.
I hate thinking about the people that get to choose to end their babies lives, just becuase it is an inconvienence for them at that time in their life.
I hate thinking of all the people that choose to continue to use drugs while they are pregnant.
I hate overhearing pregnant people complain how uncomfortable they are, I would give anything to have my son back~ I would take all of the aches and pains and trips to the bathroom that wake you during the night.
I then hate that I feel guilty for judging people.
I hate hearing about the local high school students that are pregnant. I am not trying to judge, it just is so hard to deal with all of this some days.
I hate seeing pregnant bellies. It's not that I am not happy for people, it is just insanely hard thinking that should be my belly, all round and big. In the same breath, I hate being the elephant in the room. People hide and whisper about pregnancy and babies. I know this seems irrational, and leaves it to question~ should I talk about pregnancy in front of her or not. Really the only way I can answer that is it really depends on the day. I am happy for our friends that have babies, and that are pregnant. I definetly am not ready to sit down and talk about your pregnancy or baby with you, but I am truelly happy that everything is well for you. I honestly would not wish this on my worst enemy.
I hate feeling like this, but I can't get past how angry I am and how unfair this is for anyone.
I hate that I feel like I am throwing myself a pitty party. I want to go and bawl for awhile, but there is no way I could hide it, and I don't want people to ask. I wish I could go home for the rest of the day, but I am so far behind, and posting and scanning Baby Center isn't helping me get caught up, but it helps emotionally sometimes.
I hate feeling that everyone has forgot Will. I hate that we never sent out some sort of card or note that let people know what happened.
I hate feeling that people expect us to move on and some people don't understand. They are uncomfortable bringing it up, or uncomfortable if I talk about it.
I hate that the Dr. still says fetus when we talk about Will. He was a baby to me, not a fetus. I know he has to use the correct terms, but I still hate it.
I hate that Todd and I got our chromosomal testing results back and everything was normal. So back to square one~ there is essentially nothing we can do to prevent this from happening again. I hate thinking that I did something to cause this. I try and think back what I did between week 15 and 16, but can't remember anything that could have done this.
I hate feeling that my body has betrayed me yet again. I hate feeling that my body is broken. . . why doesn't it recognize when a pregnancy has ended, not that it would have been easier, but some indication that something was wrong would have taken some of the shock factor out of all of this.
There is a slight chance that Will had a chromosomal abnormalty, that could not be proven because his tissue did not grow chromosomes, but we don't know for sure. I didn't want anything to be wrong, but the desire for an answer why this happened overrides rational thought sometimes.
I hate that the Holidays are just around the corner. Ugghh. . . the Holidays. I will have to save that for another post.