Christmas

I cried for 2 hours straight Christmas eve night. I slept with Will's Urn. I was amazed to wake up yesterday morning to find that I still had my hand tightly around Will's Urn. I can't beleive how hard this still is after 4 months. I know I will never forget Will, but I just thought the moments of overwhelming grief would be gone. The one's that you start crying and can't stop it, and you cry so hard that your lips even swell. The overwhelming greif that seems to come out of nowhere.
My brother was crabby on Christmas Eve. He was dreading coming to the family gathering, again this year with no wife, not even a fiancee, not even a girlfriend. I feel bad for him, he has had some relationships, and was even going to propose to the last girl, but they all seem to go south. However, when he snapped at me, saying "Yea, I am grumpy, but why should I look forward to seeing everyone with their families and husbands or fiance's, when I don't have one." It took everything I had, and I even had to stop myself, because I started to say, "Suck it up, I would have had a baby in 2-3 weeks." Instead I just said, I am not even going to go there. I know that I can't continue to bring it up, but I just feel like everyone has forgotten the horrific loss of my son. It still affects me, it will continue to affect me the rest of my life. There is a permanent hole in my heart from the piece that went to Heaven with Will.
I thought about you a lot Will, the last couple of days. I didn't write to you sooner, because I was not around a computer. You would have been with us in just a short couple of weeks, but that was not in the cards. I miss you more than ever this week, my sweet son. I will never forget you, and I will always love you. Love, your mom.

The Final Countdown

So I am officially going to countdown the rest of this crappy year. I have to admit, the whole year wasn't crappy, just from August 21, 2008. So there are less than two weeks left. Of course the year couldn't have went out quietly, it had to throw us one more punch. I write this cautiously, since yes there are almost two weeks left. The last blow was Todd's grandpa passing away December 11. It was a double edged blow, as his grandpa has not been well for quite sometime. So he is free now, no more suffering. But on the other side, it was the last close relative Todd had on his paternal side. I don't think I stated that quite right so here goes some explanation: Todd's real dad was killed in a trucking accident when Todd was 11. Todd had no aunts or uncles. Todd's mom had already remarried when his dad was killed, so his step dad became very important to him. Todd's step dad passed away in October of 2005. So now Todd has lost two dads. Todd has great aunts and uncles and second and third cousins out there, but his grandfather's family was not that close. Todd is the last one to carry on this branch of the family tree, and our son died before we got to know him. I won't lie, in the back of my mind, I wonder if we will ever have another baby, let alone a boy.
I have had such a hard time again. Not very many people will admit their weakest moments, but I have had them. I have wished to go to bed and never wake up, I had a split second wish that my tire would blow out and the car would wreck and my whole family would go together. I even thought the other day that I could start my car and "forget" to open the garage door quick enough~ it would look like an accident. I am more than embarrassed about these thoughts, because I have never thought like this before. I have never never seen how people could commit suicide, but when you are in so much pain, and you are at the lowest you have ever been, you don't feel like you will ever climb out of the "pit" you have fallen in, the mind works in mysterious ways.
Now on the other side of that: I am grateful for a nurse that recognized I was struggling in the first few days after we lost Will. Even though I didn't take her up on her offer to make an appointment that day or within a couple of days, she left me with an "opening" for help when it got worse. I am grateful that even though my mind has had every thought possible, even some I would have never imagined I could have had, that my determination has kept me strong and not let me fall into the quicksand at the bottom of the "pit". I am grateful that I have a beautiful, smart, witty, and wonderful daughter at home to remind me that I have a reason to get past this and go on. I couldn't imagine not having her, because at 3, she has helped me more than any doctor could have. I also am so blessed to have my best friend and husband, because with out him, I could not have made it thus far through this. So maybe this is the pieces falling back in place, one at a time, ever so slowly. There will always be 3 pieces missing of my heart, the two babies I never got to hold, and Will that I will never get to see grow up. Maybe one day, MAYBE, those pieces will be so small and there will be other pieces that overshadow the missing ones, but they will always be the holes in the picture that makes my heart.
The days are still hard, and I know they will be until I can kiss this year good bye. They will be hard up until January 12, then I will not have any milestones until August 21, when we found out Will had died, and August 26, Will's angelversary.

This week . . .

The days are getting tougher. I knew this would happen, as Will's due date approached. I can't get into the Christmas spirit, but I know I have to for my daughter. I feel like I am back in that u/s room again, when we first found out Will was gone. I feel like I did 3 months ago. I almost cried today at the pictures of a fairly new baby. Of course the proud grandpa couldn't just let it go that I didn't look, he kind of stood there waiting for the whole table to look. I know he just wanted to share his grandchild, but leave me the hell alone already.
There just seems to be gloom all around, as another mom has joined the 2cnd/3rd trimester loss board at BabyCenter. I almost cry seeing pregnant women again. I just thought I was dealing with this better than I am. I am tired today. I am tired of wearing my "poker" face that I put on every morning. It is the face that makes everyone think I am ok, but really I feel like I am dying inside. I am tired of trying to conceal how I really feel, but I don't want anyone to know either. I know how does that work? I am tired of the wind and cold. I am tired of more moms joining this unfair club.
On another note, the bracelet I had made in Will's memory came last week. It is more beautiful than I could have imagined. I still miss him everyday, actually I miss him more than ever today.

One Down, One to go

So Thanksgiving is over. One Holiday down, one to go. It was almost like it wasn't Thanksgiving. We traveled to the eastern side of the state to spend the weekend with Todd's family. His grandmother had to move to a nursing home, so we spent some time helping clean out her apartment. It was weird going through her stuff, but we knew it would be easier for her not to be there. I felt really bad for Todd's grandma, it must have been hard knowing we were going through her life.
I did better than I thought I would. One of Todd's cousins had a baby girl in June. Her family was there, and because they live in Texas, this is the first time we have seen her baby. It made me sad on Thanksgiving day, I couldn't quit thinking that I should have been pregnant and due to have my own baby in just a few short weeks. I held it together, and didn't breakdown until after we left that evening. I feel bad, I didn't pay much attention to their baby or talk about her much, I just was trying to hold it together.
Thanksgiving is always a time for me to reflect what I am thankful for. I am extremely thankful for my daughter, husband, and the rest of my family. I am also thankful we all have good health. But this year I had a hard time convincing myself to be thankful, selfish yes, but it is what it is. I really am thankful this shitty year is almost over.

I thought about you alot this past couple of weeks Will. Your ornament came, it is beautiful. I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of your memory bracelet. I hope you know your daddy and I love you and think about you often.