Thursday, April 30, 2009

Here we go again. . .

A lot has happened since April 1. I have been pretty busy~ it always happens this time of year. Birthdays, spring the list goes on and on. I found out on April 18 that I was pregnant again. The joy was short lived though, as I began spotting on the 24. My hcg #'s were going up, so I had hope. Hope that this baby would be coming home safe in my arms, not joining his brother and two other siblings in Heaven. The weekend went ok, then Monday it all went south. I knew on Monday this baby was not coming home with us, but it was confirmed on Tuesday. Even though I knew it was over on Monday, I was grasping for straws, seeking out stories of other women that have had bleeding in pregnancy and went on to have healthy babies. Even though I knew not to get my hopes up and even though I was scared to death, I wanted something to hold on to. It is all gone now. I am angry, sad, confused and feel helpless all over again.
So here I go again, the sight of pregnant people brings me to tears, I hate overhearing pregnancy talk (except for the ladies I have met at BBC), I feel like no one wants to talk to me or be around me because I have a "disease" and it might rub off on them. I feel so completely out of control of everything again. Dang it, I was just getting past all of this. The hardest part is I really thought the progesterone supplement was the fix for us. Now I am questioning if it really helps, and Will and this last loss were "flukes" or bad luck.
Will~ watch over the baby that just joined you. Dear son I still think of you daily, I still miss you madly.

7 comments:

Dylan's Mommy said...

Oh my goodness. I am so so sorry! Many ((hugs)) to you.

Brendan and Brenna's Mom said...

So, so sorry hon.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. This is unfair and I hate that you have to deal with it. Please know that you will always have us in blogger land and BBC to hold your hand through these terrible times. You are not diseased. Hugs.

Erica said...

I am so sorry you had to deal with this... My heart aches so much for you reading this post. If you ever need to vent, please let me know.

Hugs to you dear mama.

Trennia said...

Praying...there really are no other words to bring comfort.

StmpnShell said...

We found out we were pg on 4/17 and lost this one too. My heart goes out to you!

Erica said...

I've been thinking about you...just wanted you to know that! HUGS