Monday, August 31, 2009

When does it stop?

I didn't get to journal on Will's one year angelversary. I didn't get to do anything to remember him, except mourn another one of his siblings. I had planned a balloon release, but found out that day that yet another one of my babies was gone. It didn't over shadow the pain of that day one year ago, it doubled it. Not only did I remember that day so vividly, but it felt like de ja vu. I would be going to the hospital again, this time for a D&C. Really, seriously, I never thought it could happen like this. Let alone the timing.
Will, I remembered the day like yesterday, like I was living it again. Everything replayed what felt like to the minute. I miss you so much still. I still have the what ifs, and wonder what you would look like. Please take of the new sibling that has joined you, and I will be with you one day.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Day my World Stopped Turning

One year ago today I sat in the waiting room. I was excited and impatient. I told my husband I wished they would hurry, I just couldn't wait to see this baby. I couldn't wait to see if it were a boy or a girl. I really felt boy, but I needed the confirmation. I remember thinking it was ok if we didn't get a confirmation on the sex, because a surprise would be fun too.
Little did I know in just minutes my world would stop and forever be shattered. Little did I know that even though I would pick up those pieces, there would always be a piece missing, one that we would never be able to put back in the picture of our life.
The last year has been filled with so many emotions. I couldn't wait to get to the New Year, and a new beginning. Little did I know of the trials that we would be faced with. I have learned to never think "it can't get any worse" because it can and it will.
I have and will continue to mourn the son I will never know. I thought after his estimated due date, the days would get easier. I was wrong. I went through every step of the pregnancy again this April, May, June, July and August. I remembered where I was as the week passed by and how far along I was. I remember so vividly this 4th of July being so happy last 4th of July because we had passed the 12 week mark. All the pain haunted me more than I would have ever imagined. Now here it is~ the one year mark of finding out my babies heart had stopped beating.
I miss you my dearest son, I think of you daily and not a minute goes by that I don't wish you were here with us on earth. I will meet you someday, and pray that you are watching over us from Heaven.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

It's been awhile, again . . .

I can't believe I haven't posted since April. Wow, I feel really bad about that. It has been a couple of months of ups and downs. Sadness at yet another loss, more testing that resulted in nothing and just life. I decided to run a 10K, and I DID IT!! I couldn't believe it I started training at the end of April and was able to run the race on July 4th. To most it may not seem like that big of a deal, but I haven't ran or put much into exercise for many years, so I am proud. I guess it gave me something to focus on instead of all my focus of not having Will for the 4th of July. It was still hard when we took our daughter to the carnival and saw people walking around with babies the same age that Will would have been. Sometimes there are some things that still take me by surprise.
I feel a great deal of anxiety rising again as Will's angelversary approaches. More emotions I was not quite as prepared to feel, as what I actually feel.
Will it isn't that I don't think about you, I think about you all the time. I didn't want to pack your ashes the other day, but everything will get packed eventually as we prepare to move. I will have a special place for them in our new home.