Friday, August 13, 2010

Monday, August 31, 2009

When does it stop?

I didn't get to journal on Will's one year angelversary. I didn't get to do anything to remember him, except mourn another one of his siblings. I had planned a balloon release, but found out that day that yet another one of my babies was gone. It didn't over shadow the pain of that day one year ago, it doubled it. Not only did I remember that day so vividly, but it felt like de ja vu. I would be going to the hospital again, this time for a D&C. Really, seriously, I never thought it could happen like this. Let alone the timing.
Will, I remembered the day like yesterday, like I was living it again. Everything replayed what felt like to the minute. I miss you so much still. I still have the what ifs, and wonder what you would look like. Please take of the new sibling that has joined you, and I will be with you one day.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Day my World Stopped Turning

One year ago today I sat in the waiting room. I was excited and impatient. I told my husband I wished they would hurry, I just couldn't wait to see this baby. I couldn't wait to see if it were a boy or a girl. I really felt boy, but I needed the confirmation. I remember thinking it was ok if we didn't get a confirmation on the sex, because a surprise would be fun too.
Little did I know in just minutes my world would stop and forever be shattered. Little did I know that even though I would pick up those pieces, there would always be a piece missing, one that we would never be able to put back in the picture of our life.
The last year has been filled with so many emotions. I couldn't wait to get to the New Year, and a new beginning. Little did I know of the trials that we would be faced with. I have learned to never think "it can't get any worse" because it can and it will.
I have and will continue to mourn the son I will never know. I thought after his estimated due date, the days would get easier. I was wrong. I went through every step of the pregnancy again this April, May, June, July and August. I remembered where I was as the week passed by and how far along I was. I remember so vividly this 4th of July being so happy last 4th of July because we had passed the 12 week mark. All the pain haunted me more than I would have ever imagined. Now here it is~ the one year mark of finding out my babies heart had stopped beating.
I miss you my dearest son, I think of you daily and not a minute goes by that I don't wish you were here with us on earth. I will meet you someday, and pray that you are watching over us from Heaven.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

It's been awhile, again . . .

I can't believe I haven't posted since April. Wow, I feel really bad about that. It has been a couple of months of ups and downs. Sadness at yet another loss, more testing that resulted in nothing and just life. I decided to run a 10K, and I DID IT!! I couldn't believe it I started training at the end of April and was able to run the race on July 4th. To most it may not seem like that big of a deal, but I haven't ran or put much into exercise for many years, so I am proud. I guess it gave me something to focus on instead of all my focus of not having Will for the 4th of July. It was still hard when we took our daughter to the carnival and saw people walking around with babies the same age that Will would have been. Sometimes there are some things that still take me by surprise.
I feel a great deal of anxiety rising again as Will's angelversary approaches. More emotions I was not quite as prepared to feel, as what I actually feel.
Will it isn't that I don't think about you, I think about you all the time. I didn't want to pack your ashes the other day, but everything will get packed eventually as we prepare to move. I will have a special place for them in our new home.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Here we go again. . .

A lot has happened since April 1. I have been pretty busy~ it always happens this time of year. Birthdays, spring the list goes on and on. I found out on April 18 that I was pregnant again. The joy was short lived though, as I began spotting on the 24. My hcg #'s were going up, so I had hope. Hope that this baby would be coming home safe in my arms, not joining his brother and two other siblings in Heaven. The weekend went ok, then Monday it all went south. I knew on Monday this baby was not coming home with us, but it was confirmed on Tuesday. Even though I knew it was over on Monday, I was grasping for straws, seeking out stories of other women that have had bleeding in pregnancy and went on to have healthy babies. Even though I knew not to get my hopes up and even though I was scared to death, I wanted something to hold on to. It is all gone now. I am angry, sad, confused and feel helpless all over again.
So here I go again, the sight of pregnant people brings me to tears, I hate overhearing pregnancy talk (except for the ladies I have met at BBC), I feel like no one wants to talk to me or be around me because I have a "disease" and it might rub off on them. I feel so completely out of control of everything again. Dang it, I was just getting past all of this. The hardest part is I really thought the progesterone supplement was the fix for us. Now I am questioning if it really helps, and Will and this last loss were "flukes" or bad luck.
Will~ watch over the baby that just joined you. Dear son I still think of you daily, I still miss you madly.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

One More Day. . .

It has been awhile I guess. I don't know if that is good or bad. Good in the sense that I must not be as consumed with grief, but bad because I feel like I am moving on. I know that I am not forgetting Will, I think about him everyday, still wonder what he would look like, how it would be to have 2 children instead of one. I still am sad when people around me talk about pregnancy. Someone I work with just had her "big" ultra sound and that was tough. It brought back all of the memories of that day:
~ Couldn't wait for the appointment to get there
~Showed up early, hoping to get in early
~I remember commenting to Todd, I wish they would call us back aleady, I am so nervous and excited.
~Tech starts scan, says my cervix is nice and long and closed, let's me relieve my overly full bladder
~Hop back on the table, tech doesn't push tape into to record, doesn't do measure ments like I had remembered with my daughter, doesn't say anything until saying, " I am not getting the measurements I need, have to get the Dr. so he can see it in real time"
~I break down and tell Todd something is wrong, the baby hasn't moved the whole time, I turn the ultrasound screen and see the measurements: 15 wks 3 days and 15 wks 1 day, my heart breaks, something is sooooo wrong
~Dr. comes back and says "Hi guys, how are you? Probably have had better days bla bla bla. . . looks at a couple of shots then says, I am sorry there is no heartbeat
~Have a few minutes to gather ourselves, go to the Dr. office and we are given our options
~Make arrangements for DD and Todd's work
~Decide to wait until Monday for induction unless something happens over the weekend

It never changes, everything is so vivid like it was yesterday. It is wierd how things can just smack me in the face sometimes, feels like a ton of bricks falling on my heart all over again.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Better with Time. . . . I havent' figured out how to get the picture on here yet, but Carlie was kind enough to write Will's name in the sand.
Alot has happened since the last post. One of the Baby Center message boards had a post that asked why people chose the names they did for their babies. I didn't put alot of thought into the meaning, but just wanted double constanents (don't know if I spelled that right) to follow a pattern we had unintentionally started. DH has two D's, I have to L's, and DD has two N's. I wanted a name to follow, and Will seemed to fit. I got curious and looked up the meaning of Will. The sight I looked it up on said that Will means protector. Hmm, that made my happy and gave me a peaceful feeling.
I held a baby about 10 days ago. It was a nice feeling and I didn't break down. A couple that I work with has been trying to have a baby unsuccessfully for 3 or 4 years. They were recently able to adopt a baby, so I was over joyed for them, and at the shower I held their baby girl. I hope that I get to hold another baby again someday.
For some reason, this past couple of weeks has been quite peaceful. Not that I have forgot Will, or that I don't miss him, it has just been peaceful. Part of the healing I suppose.