I cried again last night. I couldn't stop. The tears just came and flowed and I sobbed, body jerking sobs. Todd just held me and said it is ok. I managed to say, but it is not. Nothing is ever going to be the same.
I am stressed at work, and all I can think about is that I shouldn't even be here, I should be bringing my baby home from the hospital. Yes Will was due January 12, but I would have had a repeat c-section, so it would most likely have been scheduled this week. I have to drive by the hospital on my way home from work. Last night all of the L&D rooms had lights on. It was just a painful reminder that it was not me. I am really rethinking TTC this month, maybe I am not ready yet. Getting pregnant wouldn't fix things, I just desire a baby so much. Not to replace Will, because that is not possible. I just wonder if this will all get better? I know that I will never be the same, but I just thought I would get past this overwhelming grief.
3 comments:
I am so sorry mama. I think the first year is really hard. I am coming up on my angel's birthday in March- people say it does GET BETTER after their birthday. It's still hard, but the grief isn't as strong. How is your daughter taking this? Does she understand when you cry you are sad? I see she turned 3 in October, my daughter turned 4. Just know that I am here for you. If you ever need to talk, I will be here to listen to you. My heart goes out to you. For me, seeing anyone with a baby that should of been the age of mine. You are stronger than me, because before her due date, I barely went out anywhere!! I pretty much hibernated!
My daughter usually knows when I cry it is because I am sad about the baby. She slept with me the other night, and knew I was crying, so she kept asking the usual questions: why did our baby go to heaven, will we have another baby, why did Jesus take our baby. Then she usually gives me the biggest hug her 3 year old arms could give me.
I'm so sorry. It isn't fair and even if things might be ok someday...they certainly aren't right now. Will's due date must be so tough and I know this must hurt so much right now. I'm sending you hugs via internet.
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