Reminders. . .

I was at an appointment with a person that I support yesterday. She was in for an xray type procedure, and I was in the waiting room. In comes a young mother, her mother and a tiny baby. I was reading the paper and trying not to pay attention to them. Then the grandmother took the baby out of the carrier. Another person in the waiting room asked how old he was. The granmother replied 15 days. I nearly lost it, as Will would have only been a few days older. I caught a glimpse of him all crunched up and could hear his little baby sounds and I almost had to leave the waiting room. I was biting my lip as the tears started welling up in my eyes. I long to smell the baby smell and hear the little coos and I just don't understand why this happens to people. I will never understand why this happens to people. I am so angry and frustrated that I am not holding my baby. I am scared that this will happen again and I just don't think I could handle it. I know life isn't easy, but I wish I knew why this all happened, and happens to so many others. I am angry at a comment someone made at work. We were talking about our work Christmas party. Anothe coworker asked me if I "tied one on." I didn't want to announce that we were TTC again, so I just said "I had one wine cooler and it didn't settle well." She made a sneering sound and said "One wine cooler, jeeze I can have that and I am pregnant." I could have slapped her across the face. WTF?? Why would you even think that was ok, and ok to say to someone who lost a baby? On top of that we work with several people with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and have had inservices that have information that "No amount of alcohol is safe, and FAS may not be seen right away, but the effects can come later in infancy until adult hood." I don't drink after I know I have ovulated, and I drink very minimal when we are TTC. And to top it all off, AF shows up, so another month that I am not pregnant and the one who has a sip "now and then" is.
On the upside I am so excited for a couple of ladies on the Baby Center boards that I chat with. They found out they are pregnant and so far everything looks good for them. I pray for a healthy 8-9 months for them.
Will, I hope you are looking down on us and sending us strength. Mommy needs it right now. I hope that you are happy in Heaven and playing with all of the other babies that you joined and have joined you. I miss you and wish you were here with us. I often think of how big you would have been, if you had your dad's nose like your sister, if you would have had brown eyes like me, or blue eyes like your dad. I love you, love mom.