Really, a New Year?

So the New Year wasn't what I thought it would be. Go figure, that is pretty much what the last 5 years has been. If they were what I thought they would be, I would have had a baby in July of 2004. When that baby grew wings, I should have had a baby in May of 2005. That one didn't work out either. If either of those two pregnancies would have worked, I wouldn't have my daughter, and I am thankful for her and couldn't imagine my life without her. I am glad that we have her, but often wonder what the other two babies would have been like. I know I am not communicating what I want to say very well at all, because I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything. It just reminds me of that one movie, I think it was called Sliding Door or something.
Now I sit here typing, wondering what the last 4 months would have been like, and what Will would have been like. Would he have been as laid back as his sister, would have he came early? All the what if's.
I thought I would wake up yesterday feeling "refreshed" and feeling like the New Year was a fresh start, but it wasn't like that at all. Instead, I could only think of what should have been. I should have been 39 weeks pregnant and ready to deliver my son.
Will I wish you stayed with us, I still can't believe you are gone. I will never get over you, and will always wonder about you.