Christmas

I cried for 2 hours straight Christmas eve night. I slept with Will's Urn. I was amazed to wake up yesterday morning to find that I still had my hand tightly around Will's Urn. I can't beleive how hard this still is after 4 months. I know I will never forget Will, but I just thought the moments of overwhelming grief would be gone. The one's that you start crying and can't stop it, and you cry so hard that your lips even swell. The overwhelming greif that seems to come out of nowhere.
My brother was crabby on Christmas Eve. He was dreading coming to the family gathering, again this year with no wife, not even a fiancee, not even a girlfriend. I feel bad for him, he has had some relationships, and was even going to propose to the last girl, but they all seem to go south. However, when he snapped at me, saying "Yea, I am grumpy, but why should I look forward to seeing everyone with their families and husbands or fiance's, when I don't have one." It took everything I had, and I even had to stop myself, because I started to say, "Suck it up, I would have had a baby in 2-3 weeks." Instead I just said, I am not even going to go there. I know that I can't continue to bring it up, but I just feel like everyone has forgotten the horrific loss of my son. It still affects me, it will continue to affect me the rest of my life. There is a permanent hole in my heart from the piece that went to Heaven with Will.
I thought about you a lot Will, the last couple of days. I didn't write to you sooner, because I was not around a computer. You would have been with us in just a short couple of weeks, but that was not in the cards. I miss you more than ever this week, my sweet son. I will never forget you, and I will always love you. Love, your mom.