The Final Countdown

So I am officially going to countdown the rest of this crappy year. I have to admit, the whole year wasn't crappy, just from August 21, 2008. So there are less than two weeks left. Of course the year couldn't have went out quietly, it had to throw us one more punch. I write this cautiously, since yes there are almost two weeks left. The last blow was Todd's grandpa passing away December 11. It was a double edged blow, as his grandpa has not been well for quite sometime. So he is free now, no more suffering. But on the other side, it was the last close relative Todd had on his paternal side. I don't think I stated that quite right so here goes some explanation: Todd's real dad was killed in a trucking accident when Todd was 11. Todd had no aunts or uncles. Todd's mom had already remarried when his dad was killed, so his step dad became very important to him. Todd's step dad passed away in October of 2005. So now Todd has lost two dads. Todd has great aunts and uncles and second and third cousins out there, but his grandfather's family was not that close. Todd is the last one to carry on this branch of the family tree, and our son died before we got to know him. I won't lie, in the back of my mind, I wonder if we will ever have another baby, let alone a boy.
I have had such a hard time again. Not very many people will admit their weakest moments, but I have had them. I have wished to go to bed and never wake up, I had a split second wish that my tire would blow out and the car would wreck and my whole family would go together. I even thought the other day that I could start my car and "forget" to open the garage door quick enough~ it would look like an accident. I am more than embarrassed about these thoughts, because I have never thought like this before. I have never never seen how people could commit suicide, but when you are in so much pain, and you are at the lowest you have ever been, you don't feel like you will ever climb out of the "pit" you have fallen in, the mind works in mysterious ways.
Now on the other side of that: I am grateful for a nurse that recognized I was struggling in the first few days after we lost Will. Even though I didn't take her up on her offer to make an appointment that day or within a couple of days, she left me with an "opening" for help when it got worse. I am grateful that even though my mind has had every thought possible, even some I would have never imagined I could have had, that my determination has kept me strong and not let me fall into the quicksand at the bottom of the "pit". I am grateful that I have a beautiful, smart, witty, and wonderful daughter at home to remind me that I have a reason to get past this and go on. I couldn't imagine not having her, because at 3, she has helped me more than any doctor could have. I also am so blessed to have my best friend and husband, because with out him, I could not have made it thus far through this. So maybe this is the pieces falling back in place, one at a time, ever so slowly. There will always be 3 pieces missing of my heart, the two babies I never got to hold, and Will that I will never get to see grow up. Maybe one day, MAYBE, those pieces will be so small and there will be other pieces that overshadow the missing ones, but they will always be the holes in the picture that makes my heart.
The days are still hard, and I know they will be until I can kiss this year good bye. They will be hard up until January 12, then I will not have any milestones until August 21, when we found out Will had died, and August 26, Will's angelversary.