Wednesday, November 12, 2008

12 weeks and counting. . .and hating. . .

It has been 12 weeks since we delivered Will. The entire 12 weeks have been an emotional roller coaster, but just after I thought I had found some peace in all of this, the roller coaster started again. I have had so many emotions the last couple of weeks. I have had baby on the brain so much lately. I want to be pregnant so badly and bring home a healthy baby, but I worry it is too soon. I don't know if I feel guilty wanting to try to conceive again, or if it is the fear~ what if we decide to try again and this happens again, but something has started the roller coaster again. I do not want to get pregnant again to replace Will, as that could never happen. I just want another baby so badly.
I just feel so overwhelmed and I HATE it. I am angry again. I am questioning why it is that people that want babies can't have them. I did everything I was supposed to; didn't drink alcohol, took prenatals, changed my diet and my child dies.
I hate thinking about the people that drink throughout their pregnancies, even just a beer or a sip of alcohol now and then.
I hate thinking about the people that get to choose to end their babies lives, just becuase it is an inconvienence for them at that time in their life.
I hate thinking of all the people that choose to continue to use drugs while they are pregnant.
I hate overhearing pregnant people complain how uncomfortable they are, I would give anything to have my son back~ I would take all of the aches and pains and trips to the bathroom that wake you during the night.
I then hate that I feel guilty for judging people.
I hate hearing about the local high school students that are pregnant. I am not trying to judge, it just is so hard to deal with all of this some days.
I hate seeing pregnant bellies. It's not that I am not happy for people, it is just insanely hard thinking that should be my belly, all round and big. In the same breath, I hate being the elephant in the room. People hide and whisper about pregnancy and babies. I know this seems irrational, and leaves it to question~ should I talk about pregnancy in front of her or not. Really the only way I can answer that is it really depends on the day. I am happy for our friends that have babies, and that are pregnant. I definetly am not ready to sit down and talk about your pregnancy or baby with you, but I am truelly happy that everything is well for you. I honestly would not wish this on my worst enemy.
I hate feeling like this, but I can't get past how angry I am and how unfair this is for anyone.
I hate that I feel like I am throwing myself a pitty party. I want to go and bawl for awhile, but there is no way I could hide it, and I don't want people to ask. I wish I could go home for the rest of the day, but I am so far behind, and posting and scanning Baby Center isn't helping me get caught up, but it helps emotionally sometimes.
I hate feeling that everyone has forgot Will. I hate that we never sent out some sort of card or note that let people know what happened.
I hate feeling that people expect us to move on and some people don't understand. They are uncomfortable bringing it up, or uncomfortable if I talk about it.
I hate that the Dr. still says fetus when we talk about Will. He was a baby to me, not a fetus. I know he has to use the correct terms, but I still hate it.
I hate that Todd and I got our chromosomal testing results back and everything was normal. So back to square one~ there is essentially nothing we can do to prevent this from happening again. I hate thinking that I did something to cause this. I try and think back what I did between week 15 and 16, but can't remember anything that could have done this.
I hate feeling that my body has betrayed me yet again. I hate feeling that my body is broken. . . why doesn't it recognize when a pregnancy has ended, not that it would have been easier, but some indication that something was wrong would have taken some of the shock factor out of all of this.
There is a slight chance that Will had a chromosomal abnormalty, that could not be proven because his tissue did not grow chromosomes, but we don't know for sure. I didn't want anything to be wrong, but the desire for an answer why this happened overrides rational thought sometimes.
I hate that the Holidays are just around the corner. Ugghh. . . the Holidays. I will have to save that for another post.

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