Reminders. . .

I was at an appointment with a person that I support yesterday. She was in for an xray type procedure, and I was in the waiting room. In comes a young mother, her mother and a tiny baby. I was reading the paper and trying not to pay attention to them. Then the grandmother took the baby out of the carrier. Another person in the waiting room asked how old he was. The granmother replied 15 days. I nearly lost it, as Will would have only been a few days older. I caught a glimpse of him all crunched up and could hear his little baby sounds and I almost had to leave the waiting room. I was biting my lip as the tears started welling up in my eyes. I long to smell the baby smell and hear the little coos and I just don't understand why this happens to people. I will never understand why this happens to people. I am so angry and frustrated that I am not holding my baby. I am scared that this will happen again and I just don't think I could handle it. I know life isn't easy, but I wish I knew why this all happened, and happens to so many others. I am angry at a comment someone made at work. We were talking about our work Christmas party. Anothe coworker asked me if I "tied one on." I didn't want to announce that we were TTC again, so I just said "I had one wine cooler and it didn't settle well." She made a sneering sound and said "One wine cooler, jeeze I can have that and I am pregnant." I could have slapped her across the face. WTF?? Why would you even think that was ok, and ok to say to someone who lost a baby? On top of that we work with several people with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and have had inservices that have information that "No amount of alcohol is safe, and FAS may not be seen right away, but the effects can come later in infancy until adult hood." I don't drink after I know I have ovulated, and I drink very minimal when we are TTC. And to top it all off, AF shows up, so another month that I am not pregnant and the one who has a sip "now and then" is.
On the upside I am so excited for a couple of ladies on the Baby Center boards that I chat with. They found out they are pregnant and so far everything looks good for them. I pray for a healthy 8-9 months for them.
Will, I hope you are looking down on us and sending us strength. Mommy needs it right now. I hope that you are happy in Heaven and playing with all of the other babies that you joined and have joined you. I miss you and wish you were here with us. I often think of how big you would have been, if you had your dad's nose like your sister, if you would have had brown eyes like me, or blue eyes like your dad. I love you, love mom.

A Shift. . .

Well alot has happened this past week. I was really stressed out at work, and I caught myself thinking so many times, "I shouldn't be here, I should be at home with a newborn." When I thought the week couldn't get worse, my husband called to let me know he had been laid off from his job, indefinety. The call came about 2 hours before he was support to start his shift. Wow, everytime I think it can't get worse, something hits me out of blue. We will make it through, this and a tiny part of me is, in a weird way, happy that Will is in Heaven looking down on us, instead of starting out in an world that is falling apart.
Don't get me wrong, I still wish he was with us, I still wonder everyday what he would have looked like, what his personality would have been, all of the what if's. Even amongst the economoic turmoil, deep down I would still rather have my baby with me, even if it meant struggling a little more financially for awhile.

The Day

Well today is Will's EDD. It started out like any other day. Then I looked at the calendar. I didn't have to look at the calendar to know it was today, but seeing the 12 on the calendar just stopped me in my tracks. I was suprised that Todd remembered. When we talked on the phone, he asked me how I was doing. Well, I had my poker face on again. I wanted to run away, and not look back, instead I stayed composed and finished my day. Everyone else went about their business, no one remembered until this afternoon. A good friend of mine remembered, and she will never know how much that meant to me.
Will, you would have been here by now, I am thinking of you alot today. I miss you so much.

When does it get better?

I cried again last night. I couldn't stop. The tears just came and flowed and I sobbed, body jerking sobs. Todd just held me and said it is ok. I managed to say, but it is not. Nothing is ever going to be the same.
I am stressed at work, and all I can think about is that I shouldn't even be here, I should be bringing my baby home from the hospital. Yes Will was due January 12, but I would have had a repeat c-section, so it would most likely have been scheduled this week. I have to drive by the hospital on my way home from work. Last night all of the L&D rooms had lights on. It was just a painful reminder that it was not me. I am really rethinking TTC this month, maybe I am not ready yet. Getting pregnant wouldn't fix things, I just desire a baby so much. Not to replace Will, because that is not possible. I just wonder if this will all get better? I know that I will never be the same, but I just thought I would get past this overwhelming grief.

Really, a New Year?

So the New Year wasn't what I thought it would be. Go figure, that is pretty much what the last 5 years has been. If they were what I thought they would be, I would have had a baby in July of 2004. When that baby grew wings, I should have had a baby in May of 2005. That one didn't work out either. If either of those two pregnancies would have worked, I wouldn't have my daughter, and I am thankful for her and couldn't imagine my life without her. I am glad that we have her, but often wonder what the other two babies would have been like. I know I am not communicating what I want to say very well at all, because I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything. It just reminds me of that one movie, I think it was called Sliding Door or something.
Now I sit here typing, wondering what the last 4 months would have been like, and what Will would have been like. Would he have been as laid back as his sister, would have he came early? All the what if's.
I thought I would wake up yesterday feeling "refreshed" and feeling like the New Year was a fresh start, but it wasn't like that at all. Instead, I could only think of what should have been. I should have been 39 weeks pregnant and ready to deliver my son.
Will I wish you stayed with us, I still can't believe you are gone. I will never get over you, and will always wonder about you.