It has been awhile I guess. I don't know if that is good or bad. Good in the sense that I must not be as consumed with grief, but bad because I feel like I am moving on. I know that I am not forgetting Will, I think about him everyday, still wonder what he would look like, how it would be to have 2 children instead of one. I still am sad when people around me talk about pregnancy. Someone I work with just had her "big" ultra sound and that was tough. It brought back all of the memories of that day:
~ Couldn't wait for the appointment to get there
~Showed up early, hoping to get in early
~I remember commenting to Todd, I wish they would call us back aleady, I am so nervous and excited.
~Tech starts scan, says my cervix is nice and long and closed, let's me relieve my overly full bladder
~Hop back on the table, tech doesn't push tape into to record, doesn't do measure ments like I had remembered with my daughter, doesn't say anything until saying, " I am not getting the measurements I need, have to get the Dr. so he can see it in real time"
~I break down and tell Todd something is wrong, the baby hasn't moved the whole time, I turn the ultrasound screen and see the measurements: 15 wks 3 days and 15 wks 1 day, my heart breaks, something is sooooo wrong
~Dr. comes back and says "Hi guys, how are you? Probably have had better days bla bla bla. . . looks at a couple of shots then says, I am sorry there is no heartbeat
~Have a few minutes to gather ourselves, go to the Dr. office and we are given our options
~Make arrangements for DD and Todd's work
~Decide to wait until Monday for induction unless something happens over the weekend
It never changes, everything is so vivid like it was yesterday. It is wierd how things can just smack me in the face sometimes, feels like a ton of bricks falling on my heart all over again.