Well today is Will's EDD. It started out like any other day. Then I looked at the calendar. I didn't have to look at the calendar to know it was today, but seeing the 12 on the calendar just stopped me in my tracks. I was suprised that Todd remembered. When we talked on the phone, he asked me how I was doing. Well, I had my poker face on again. I wanted to run away, and not look back, instead I stayed composed and finished my day. Everyone else went about their business, no one remembered until this afternoon. A good friend of mine remembered, and she will never know how much that meant to me.
Will, you would have been here by now, I am thinking of you alot today. I miss you so much.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
When does it get better?
I cried again last night. I couldn't stop. The tears just came and flowed and I sobbed, body jerking sobs. Todd just held me and said it is ok. I managed to say, but it is not. Nothing is ever going to be the same.
I am stressed at work, and all I can think about is that I shouldn't even be here, I should be bringing my baby home from the hospital. Yes Will was due January 12, but I would have had a repeat c-section, so it would most likely have been scheduled this week. I have to drive by the hospital on my way home from work. Last night all of the L&D rooms had lights on. It was just a painful reminder that it was not me. I am really rethinking TTC this month, maybe I am not ready yet. Getting pregnant wouldn't fix things, I just desire a baby so much. Not to replace Will, because that is not possible. I just wonder if this will all get better? I know that I will never be the same, but I just thought I would get past this overwhelming grief.
I am stressed at work, and all I can think about is that I shouldn't even be here, I should be bringing my baby home from the hospital. Yes Will was due January 12, but I would have had a repeat c-section, so it would most likely have been scheduled this week. I have to drive by the hospital on my way home from work. Last night all of the L&D rooms had lights on. It was just a painful reminder that it was not me. I am really rethinking TTC this month, maybe I am not ready yet. Getting pregnant wouldn't fix things, I just desire a baby so much. Not to replace Will, because that is not possible. I just wonder if this will all get better? I know that I will never be the same, but I just thought I would get past this overwhelming grief.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Really, a New Year?
So the New Year wasn't what I thought it would be. Go figure, that is pretty much what the last 5 years has been. If they were what I thought they would be, I would have had a baby in July of 2004. When that baby grew wings, I should have had a baby in May of 2005. That one didn't work out either. If either of those two pregnancies would have worked, I wouldn't have my daughter, and I am thankful for her and couldn't imagine my life without her. I am glad that we have her, but often wonder what the other two babies would have been like. I know I am not communicating what I want to say very well at all, because I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything. It just reminds me of that one movie, I think it was called Sliding Door or something.
Now I sit here typing, wondering what the last 4 months would have been like, and what Will would have been like. Would he have been as laid back as his sister, would have he came early? All the what if's.
I thought I would wake up yesterday feeling "refreshed" and feeling like the New Year was a fresh start, but it wasn't like that at all. Instead, I could only think of what should have been. I should have been 39 weeks pregnant and ready to deliver my son.
Will I wish you stayed with us, I still can't believe you are gone. I will never get over you, and will always wonder about you.
Now I sit here typing, wondering what the last 4 months would have been like, and what Will would have been like. Would he have been as laid back as his sister, would have he came early? All the what if's.
I thought I would wake up yesterday feeling "refreshed" and feeling like the New Year was a fresh start, but it wasn't like that at all. Instead, I could only think of what should have been. I should have been 39 weeks pregnant and ready to deliver my son.
Will I wish you stayed with us, I still can't believe you are gone. I will never get over you, and will always wonder about you.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Christmas
I cried for 2 hours straight Christmas eve night. I slept with Will's Urn. I was amazed to wake up yesterday morning to find that I still had my hand tightly around Will's Urn. I can't beleive how hard this still is after 4 months. I know I will never forget Will, but I just thought the moments of overwhelming grief would be gone. The one's that you start crying and can't stop it, and you cry so hard that your lips even swell. The overwhelming greif that seems to come out of nowhere.
My brother was crabby on Christmas Eve. He was dreading coming to the family gathering, again this year with no wife, not even a fiancee, not even a girlfriend. I feel bad for him, he has had some relationships, and was even going to propose to the last girl, but they all seem to go south. However, when he snapped at me, saying "Yea, I am grumpy, but why should I look forward to seeing everyone with their families and husbands or fiance's, when I don't have one." It took everything I had, and I even had to stop myself, because I started to say, "Suck it up, I would have had a baby in 2-3 weeks." Instead I just said, I am not even going to go there. I know that I can't continue to bring it up, but I just feel like everyone has forgotten the horrific loss of my son. It still affects me, it will continue to affect me the rest of my life. There is a permanent hole in my heart from the piece that went to Heaven with Will.
I thought about you a lot Will, the last couple of days. I didn't write to you sooner, because I was not around a computer. You would have been with us in just a short couple of weeks, but that was not in the cards. I miss you more than ever this week, my sweet son. I will never forget you, and I will always love you. Love, your mom.
My brother was crabby on Christmas Eve. He was dreading coming to the family gathering, again this year with no wife, not even a fiancee, not even a girlfriend. I feel bad for him, he has had some relationships, and was even going to propose to the last girl, but they all seem to go south. However, when he snapped at me, saying "Yea, I am grumpy, but why should I look forward to seeing everyone with their families and husbands or fiance's, when I don't have one." It took everything I had, and I even had to stop myself, because I started to say, "Suck it up, I would have had a baby in 2-3 weeks." Instead I just said, I am not even going to go there. I know that I can't continue to bring it up, but I just feel like everyone has forgotten the horrific loss of my son. It still affects me, it will continue to affect me the rest of my life. There is a permanent hole in my heart from the piece that went to Heaven with Will.
I thought about you a lot Will, the last couple of days. I didn't write to you sooner, because I was not around a computer. You would have been with us in just a short couple of weeks, but that was not in the cards. I miss you more than ever this week, my sweet son. I will never forget you, and I will always love you. Love, your mom.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
The Final Countdown
So I am officially going to countdown the rest of this crappy year. I have to admit, the whole year wasn't crappy, just from August 21, 2008. So there are less than two weeks left. Of course the year couldn't have went out quietly, it had to throw us one more punch. I write this cautiously, since yes there are almost two weeks left. The last blow was Todd's grandpa passing away December 11. It was a double edged blow, as his grandpa has not been well for quite sometime. So he is free now, no more suffering. But on the other side, it was the last close relative Todd had on his paternal side. I don't think I stated that quite right so here goes some explanation: Todd's real dad was killed in a trucking accident when Todd was 11. Todd had no aunts or uncles. Todd's mom had already remarried when his dad was killed, so his step dad became very important to him. Todd's step dad passed away in October of 2005. So now Todd has lost two dads. Todd has great aunts and uncles and second and third cousins out there, but his grandfather's family was not that close. Todd is the last one to carry on this branch of the family tree, and our son died before we got to know him. I won't lie, in the back of my mind, I wonder if we will ever have another baby, let alone a boy.
I have had such a hard time again. Not very many people will admit their weakest moments, but I have had them. I have wished to go to bed and never wake up, I had a split second wish that my tire would blow out and the car would wreck and my whole family would go together. I even thought the other day that I could start my car and "forget" to open the garage door quick enough~ it would look like an accident. I am more than embarrassed about these thoughts, because I have never thought like this before. I have never never seen how people could commit suicide, but when you are in so much pain, and you are at the lowest you have ever been, you don't feel like you will ever climb out of the "pit" you have fallen in, the mind works in mysterious ways.
Now on the other side of that: I am grateful for a nurse that recognized I was struggling in the first few days after we lost Will. Even though I didn't take her up on her offer to make an appointment that day or within a couple of days, she left me with an "opening" for help when it got worse. I am grateful that even though my mind has had every thought possible, even some I would have never imagined I could have had, that my determination has kept me strong and not let me fall into the quicksand at the bottom of the "pit". I am grateful that I have a beautiful, smart, witty, and wonderful daughter at home to remind me that I have a reason to get past this and go on. I couldn't imagine not having her, because at 3, she has helped me more than any doctor could have. I also am so blessed to have my best friend and husband, because with out him, I could not have made it thus far through this. So maybe this is the pieces falling back in place, one at a time, ever so slowly. There will always be 3 pieces missing of my heart, the two babies I never got to hold, and Will that I will never get to see grow up. Maybe one day, MAYBE, those pieces will be so small and there will be other pieces that overshadow the missing ones, but they will always be the holes in the picture that makes my heart.
The days are still hard, and I know they will be until I can kiss this year good bye. They will be hard up until January 12, then I will not have any milestones until August 21, when we found out Will had died, and August 26, Will's angelversary.
I have had such a hard time again. Not very many people will admit their weakest moments, but I have had them. I have wished to go to bed and never wake up, I had a split second wish that my tire would blow out and the car would wreck and my whole family would go together. I even thought the other day that I could start my car and "forget" to open the garage door quick enough~ it would look like an accident. I am more than embarrassed about these thoughts, because I have never thought like this before. I have never never seen how people could commit suicide, but when you are in so much pain, and you are at the lowest you have ever been, you don't feel like you will ever climb out of the "pit" you have fallen in, the mind works in mysterious ways.
Now on the other side of that: I am grateful for a nurse that recognized I was struggling in the first few days after we lost Will. Even though I didn't take her up on her offer to make an appointment that day or within a couple of days, she left me with an "opening" for help when it got worse. I am grateful that even though my mind has had every thought possible, even some I would have never imagined I could have had, that my determination has kept me strong and not let me fall into the quicksand at the bottom of the "pit". I am grateful that I have a beautiful, smart, witty, and wonderful daughter at home to remind me that I have a reason to get past this and go on. I couldn't imagine not having her, because at 3, she has helped me more than any doctor could have. I also am so blessed to have my best friend and husband, because with out him, I could not have made it thus far through this. So maybe this is the pieces falling back in place, one at a time, ever so slowly. There will always be 3 pieces missing of my heart, the two babies I never got to hold, and Will that I will never get to see grow up. Maybe one day, MAYBE, those pieces will be so small and there will be other pieces that overshadow the missing ones, but they will always be the holes in the picture that makes my heart.
The days are still hard, and I know they will be until I can kiss this year good bye. They will be hard up until January 12, then I will not have any milestones until August 21, when we found out Will had died, and August 26, Will's angelversary.
Monday, December 8, 2008
This week . . .
The days are getting tougher. I knew this would happen, as Will's due date approached. I can't get into the Christmas spirit, but I know I have to for my daughter. I feel like I am back in that u/s room again, when we first found out Will was gone. I feel like I did 3 months ago. I almost cried today at the pictures of a fairly new baby. Of course the proud grandpa couldn't just let it go that I didn't look, he kind of stood there waiting for the whole table to look. I know he just wanted to share his grandchild, but leave me the hell alone already.
There just seems to be gloom all around, as another mom has joined the 2cnd/3rd trimester loss board at BabyCenter. I almost cry seeing pregnant women again. I just thought I was dealing with this better than I am. I am tired today. I am tired of wearing my "poker" face that I put on every morning. It is the face that makes everyone think I am ok, but really I feel like I am dying inside. I am tired of trying to conceal how I really feel, but I don't want anyone to know either. I know how does that work? I am tired of the wind and cold. I am tired of more moms joining this unfair club.
On another note, the bracelet I had made in Will's memory came last week. It is more beautiful than I could have imagined. I still miss him everyday, actually I miss him more than ever today.
There just seems to be gloom all around, as another mom has joined the 2cnd/3rd trimester loss board at BabyCenter. I almost cry seeing pregnant women again. I just thought I was dealing with this better than I am. I am tired today. I am tired of wearing my "poker" face that I put on every morning. It is the face that makes everyone think I am ok, but really I feel like I am dying inside. I am tired of trying to conceal how I really feel, but I don't want anyone to know either. I know how does that work? I am tired of the wind and cold. I am tired of more moms joining this unfair club.
On another note, the bracelet I had made in Will's memory came last week. It is more beautiful than I could have imagined. I still miss him everyday, actually I miss him more than ever today.
Monday, December 1, 2008
One Down, One to go
So Thanksgiving is over. One Holiday down, one to go. It was almost like it wasn't Thanksgiving. We traveled to the eastern side of the state to spend the weekend with Todd's family. His grandmother had to move to a nursing home, so we spent some time helping clean out her apartment. It was weird going through her stuff, but we knew it would be easier for her not to be there. I felt really bad for Todd's grandma, it must have been hard knowing we were going through her life.
I did better than I thought I would. One of Todd's cousins had a baby girl in June. Her family was there, and because they live in Texas, this is the first time we have seen her baby. It made me sad on Thanksgiving day, I couldn't quit thinking that I should have been pregnant and due to have my own baby in just a few short weeks. I held it together, and didn't breakdown until after we left that evening. I feel bad, I didn't pay much attention to their baby or talk about her much, I just was trying to hold it together.
Thanksgiving is always a time for me to reflect what I am thankful for. I am extremely thankful for my daughter, husband, and the rest of my family. I am also thankful we all have good health. But this year I had a hard time convincing myself to be thankful, selfish yes, but it is what it is. I really am thankful this shitty year is almost over.
I thought about you alot this past couple of weeks Will. Your ornament came, it is beautiful. I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of your memory bracelet. I hope you know your daddy and I love you and think about you often.
I did better than I thought I would. One of Todd's cousins had a baby girl in June. Her family was there, and because they live in Texas, this is the first time we have seen her baby. It made me sad on Thanksgiving day, I couldn't quit thinking that I should have been pregnant and due to have my own baby in just a few short weeks. I held it together, and didn't breakdown until after we left that evening. I feel bad, I didn't pay much attention to their baby or talk about her much, I just was trying to hold it together.
Thanksgiving is always a time for me to reflect what I am thankful for. I am extremely thankful for my daughter, husband, and the rest of my family. I am also thankful we all have good health. But this year I had a hard time convincing myself to be thankful, selfish yes, but it is what it is. I really am thankful this shitty year is almost over.
I thought about you alot this past couple of weeks Will. Your ornament came, it is beautiful. I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of your memory bracelet. I hope you know your daddy and I love you and think about you often.
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